


Figuring Out Types of Love

by littlesolo



Category: The Haunting of Bly Manor (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:47:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 27,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27984072
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlesolo/pseuds/littlesolo
Summary: Dani and Jamie have left Bly and have a rough idea of what they want to do next.  These chapters are of what happens while they figure things out about what they want to do next and figure out each other.This.... is a really bad summary.  I'll try to fix it later.  Heads up, I suck at story titles and summaries...
Relationships: Dani Clayton/Jamie
Comments: 2
Kudos: 50





	1. New Starts

Charlotte and Dominic Wingrave gave Jamie her first real start in life. Technically, she’d had numerous starts before that and no reason to think this one would be any different, but it was. Her first real new start wouldn't come for years though. 

After her mother left, Jamie took on the role of looking after her little brother Mikey. It couldn’t exactly be called a new start, but it was something she had to figure out and adjust to and that was close enough. Up until then, she’d only had herself to look after and that hadn’t exactly been easy, but she’d managed. When Denny wasn’t fighting or calling her names, he was off somewhere just like she would have been, and her Dad was always working, so she didn’t have any help when it came to Mikey. It really shouldn’t have been a surprise that she couldn’t keep it up for long, but to her it felt like a huge failure. To her, it would be the first of many. 

Once she and her brothers were separated, it was supposed to be a new start for her. No brothers to look after, no father to worry about, and a new home to live in. At least that’s how things were supposed to work. Instead, each foster home was as awful as the last and a place where she brought the parents some extra income. She made a point of staying out most of the time to avoid all the wandering hands that came with the homes. After a while, it was just easier to avoid them altogether by going out on her own. That should have been a fresh start too, but not really. 

Out on her own, she stayed on the move, figuring that way if she wasn’t in any place long enough, it wouldn’t qualify as a new start. Not having anything she couldn’t walk away from was just safer for everyone. She’d done stupid things in order to try and keep going, left London after a while, and that’s when she’d gotten into enough trouble to land her in prison. Prison isn’t usually where someone finds new start, but it’s where she discovered her love of gardening and that was something. Her psychologist, Tamara helped her too. She didn’t see the purpose in talking for hours, but it wound up being useful. Tamara helped her work through things like her temper and her low expectations of just about everything. For so long, she’d thought the only person she could depend on was herself. Tamara taught her there was no harm in letting people in a little bit. 

When she was released, she had to figure things out again. Now she had something she was good at, and as long as the plant wasn’t already dead when it got to her, she could make anything grow. Unfortunately, there weren’t many jobs with her skill set available. If she was lucky, she could tend bar or be a waitress at the little pub she was living over. The owner of the pub was the one to tell her about the Wingraves opening for a groundskeeper. 

She hadn’t really expected to get the job, but she knew what Tamara would say. She’d say giving it a shot wouldn’t hurt. Actually getting the job had been a shock, it had been years since anything good had happened to her, but all the Wingraves were looking for was someone who knew their plants and could take care of the grounds and that was something she could do. The Wingraves gave her full discretion as to what to plant even though there were various things already in place, a decent budget to work with, and even her own space to plant things. It had been more than she’d been expecting and more freedom than she’d ever been given. 

When she starts at Bly Manor, she planned on keeping people at arm’s length. There was less of a chance of being let down that way. She hadn’t called anyone family or friends in years and wasn’t planning to anytime soon. Her plan was to simply do her job, go back to her flat, and then do the same thing the next day. It probably would have gone that way if it hadn’t been for Hannah and later Owen. Hannah wore her down with her kindness to the point where she actually felt bad telling her no. When Owen joined them at the manor, the only reason she forgave his awful puns was due to his fantastic food. Hannah insisted on her company at times other than meals and Owen insisted on feeding her. They looked after her in a way no one had before and that’s how the three of them became friends. 

The Wingraves looked after her in their own way too. Charlotte Wingrave made a point of wandering through the gardens. At first, she thought it was to evaluate her work, but Lady Wingrave said that since she’d started, the gardens were too beautiful to just walk by or look at from the windows. Lord Wingrave would make conversation with her sometimes, but most of her interactions were with Charlotte. 

When Lady Wingrave pulled her aside on day, her first thought was that she’d done something wrong. That things had been going too well for her and this was its abrupt end. Once again, things aren’t what she expected. 

“How many days are you working a week Jamie?” 

“Well, the garden needs constant attention in order to thrive…” It wasn’t exactly an answer, but without knowing where this was going, she wasn’t to say she spent six days a week at the manor. 

“You need to take care of yourself too, dear. Otherwise you’ll work yourself into the ground.” She immediately bites back the witty reply that pops into her head, but the Wingraves make sure that she takes at least two days off a week. At first, she doesn’t know what to do with herself. She spent time in her flat reading, sleeping, and sometimes going down to the pub for a few drinks. It was Hannah and Owen that got her out and had her showing up back at the manor just to be around friends. Granted, anything Owen cooked would be better than the mixed nuts the pub offered or their small awful meal, but she still wasn’t able to tell Hannah no when she invited her. 

Flora and Miles were still pretty young when she met them and would come to the manor on holidays and vacations. After Mikey, she tried to keep her distance from kids, but that was hard with these two. She kept to the gardens, but Flora decided to attach herself to her side for a while and Miles naturally followed his sister. Flora was filled with endless questions and very few of them had to do with her job or were ones she could answer. They grew on her though, just like Hannah and Owen had. They all became closer to her than anyone had in years. 

She let herself get too comfortable, let her guard down, and things take a turn that just gets worse and worse. The Wingraves had been good people and the news of them dying in an accident abroad hit her hard, they’d been part of her small family. The ones it hit hardest of course were Flora and Miles especially since after their death, their Uncle Henry stopped coming by. If there was a time they needed him most, it was then. Rebecca Jessel arrived shortly after and while she was good with the kids, her real goal was to become a barrister. She was the reason Flora started saying “perfectly splendid” hundreds of times a day, but she also got both kids smiling again, so she forgave her for it. 

Things might have gotten better from there, she couldn’t really say. Maybe Rebecca would have stayed on, or maybe once she realized Henry wouldn’t help her, she’d move on and get someone else to help her with her dream. Flora and Miles would have loved her to stay, but would have handled her leaving a lot better than what actually happened. 

For the record, she’d never liked Peter Quint. He’d rubbed her the wrong way from the very beginning. He treated everyone at Bly manor like they were beneath him when he knew Henry probably saw him the same way. He was demeaning towards all of them. Well, he would have been, but Peter’s insults just rolled off Owen. The only people that actually liked having Peter around were Flora and Miles until Rebecca arrived. If possible, her dislike of Peter Quint grew after Rebecca arrived and it wasn’t just because he helped himself to her flowers. 

She’d never been good at relationships of any kind, but she knew the wrong sort, and that was what Rebecca had with Peter. She warned Rebecca and had a feeling that Hannah had too, but she didn’t listen. Rebecca allowed herself to get dragged into Peter’s mess. She would have avoided it all, but after Peter fled, Rebecca seemed so broken. She offered what little help she could, but she can’t help but feel like she should have done something more. Maybe then she would have seen Rebecca’s death coming. It was suicide, but Peter Quint had driven her to it. 

She still remembers that morning. Flora standing there, staring at Rebecca’s body face down in the lake. Flora was silent but still staring when she carried her away. Her hatred of Peter Quint grew even more. Not only had Rebecca been a good person, but this was the loss of another person the kids cared about. 

* * *

Six months later, the American au pair named Dani Clayton arrives. She first sees her as she walks across the grounds, which is weird since Owen had gone to pick her up. She watches as the woman first comes across Flora by the lake and then as she meets Hannah and Miles. This time she avoids the au pair, not wanting to get close. In the span of a few years, everyone at Bly had lost people they cared for. It hit the children hardest, but she refused to experience it again, so she didn’t bother getting close. She went back to her life of things being boring. 

The first thing she noticed about Dani Clayton was that she was running from something, she was familiar with it enough herself to recognize it. They did their best to make the American feel at home, but Flora and Miles had changed with all the deaths. Locking Dani in a closet was the worse things they’d done, but like always, it was overlooked. Well, it would have been if not for Dani. She’d started calling the woman Poppins in her mind a while ago, and it fit in her opinion. She not only dealt with the incident, but Dani actually instilled some discipline in the two kids, something that had been lacking even before their parent’s death. 

She’d thought the new au pair a bit of a weirdo from the beginning, but that was mostly because she was American. Then she came across Dani having a panic attack. The moment she asked if she was alright, Dani stopped sobbing and forced her breathing back under control. It was impressive, but it also meant she’d had them before. Her wry sense of humor is something she always falls back on and in this instance, it not only gets a smile, but a laugh too. That’s the first time she calls her Poppins out loud. 

There were little things too. Dani was jumpy and skittish sometimes for reasons she couldn’t see. When Dani was stressed, she would run her hands through her hair. The day of Owen’s mother’s funeral was the most stressed she’d ever seen her. It had been clear that she’d been running her hands through her hair over and over, but she still looked beautiful. She suspects that when Dani thinks it will be a really bad day, she braids it to keep from doing it, but maybe she’s wrong. 

Another thing Dani does when she’s stressed or frustrated is hold her thumb in the middle of her fist. She remembers the first time she ever punched someone. Someone had called her mother a whore and she’d hit them without hesitation. She’d hurt her hand and nearly broke her thumb, and it seemed like the sort of thing she should point out. 

“You’ll break your thumb if you hit something.” Her voice seems to startle the au pair. 

“Why- Why would I hit something?” stammers Dani. She shrugs. 

“Out of frustration maybe?” Dani gives her a look that clearly says she’s offended for her even suggesting it. If it was her, she’d be constantly frustrated if she had all the stuff Dani’s dealing with. She doesn’t know what it is, but it shows. She knows better than to mention it though. 

“I would never hit th—”

“I didn’t mean them, I meant a wall or something. The urge has come to me more than once, especially when people mess in my gardens. Anyway, I wouldn’t recommend it.” Dani doesn’t seem to know what to do with that, so she simple smirks and heads back out to the greenhouse. 

It occurs to her at one point that they really drink a lot of wine. This isn’t a problem or something she plans on changing, it’s just something that occurs to her. One of those nights over wine, it’s just her and Dani. She asks if Dani came to London seeking some civility. She’d been joking, but Dani’s drunker than she looks because she tells her a bit about her fiancé and that things didn’t end well between them. 

“We’d known each other since we were kids, but I just wasn’t in love with him… romantically. So, I came here for a new start.” It’s more than she ever expected to hear and Dani realizes that it’s more than she intended to say. She says nothing for a moment and takes a sip of wine instead. She knows about new starts, had more than a little experience with them. Dani clearly wants a change in subject, so she starts talking about how long she’s been working at the manor and how long she’s known the gremlins. 

* * *

Dani got under her skin fairly earlier on, and she hates that it’s mostly due to Peter Quint. Hannah had called her back after Peter was spotted lurking again. Dani’s braver than she’d ever thought, being out in the woods with a flashlight and fire poker. That same night, they talk. Really talk and about a subject she usually avoids. Love. At the beginning they’re talking about Peter and Rebecca, but then it moves on from there. Something about the au pair keeps her from falling back on her usual jokes. She’d liked Rebecca and reducing her to some sort of joke isn’t right. She winds up revealing more than she meant to, but oddly enough, with the au pair she feels listened to. Their conversation goes a bit deeper and she feels understood too. 

Dani makes her feelings about her clear that same night when she grabs her hand. Romantic relationships were something she’d avoided ever since she’d gotten out. They made things complicated and she liked her life as it was. With Dani things are different. Every time they talk, even if it’s just banter, Dani gives her full attention to her. Well, as much as she can with Flora and Miles around most of the time. She’s interested in her, but she also remembers what Dani said about having a fiancé, so she doesn’t push and lets Dani set the pace of things. 

Dani tried, but things only worked out for them after she brought Dani out to her moonflowers and tells her a bit more about herself that she’s comfortable with. She’d wanted to share it with Dani, but she has a feeling Dani had dealt with somethings on her own too. That’s the first night they spend together, one she hopes of many. The next morning starts with Flora sleepwalking again, but then they have at least half a day where Dani is lighter than she’s ever seen her. That’s also the night she leaves after Dani asks her to stay. She’d wanted to stay and might have if Dani had asked her one more time, but she had still been a bit nervous about things between them happening so quickly. Also, there was the fact that she’d been wearing her favorite shirt for two days now and it was starting to smell rank. There was no way for any of them to know what would happen that night, but she will always hate herself for not staying that night. 

* * *

She’d had nightmares before, but never ones like she had that night. This wasn’t quite a nightmare, it was more like what Owen called it, “a strange dream.” It wasn’t the first time she’d dreamed of the manor, but this time everything is surrounded by fog and a sense of foreboding. Inside the manor, there are muddy footprints across the floor as well as drag marks. Going outside, she sees Flora, Miles, and even Henry, but no one else. The kids are just staring at her blankly and the pit of her stomach twists. Dani and Hannah are missing. She spins where she is, looking for the two women, but then something jolts her awake. It takes her a moment to realize it’s her phone and he’s saying that he’s coming to pick her up and they make their way to the manor. She doesn’t remember saying anything. Not when he picks her up, not when they get there and Hannah tells them they’re needed at the lake, not even when she hears Dani scream for Flora. All she remembers is a need to find Dani, it was all she could focus on. 

She remembers running after Dani’s voice. Like in her dream, there was so much fog that it was hard to make her way. She vaguely recalls coming across Henry and Owen saying he’d take care of him. She’s still not entirely sure what she saw that night at the lake, her mind can’t process it, but she’ll always hate herself for stopping. For taking a moment to watch instead of rushing to Dani. There had been another woman holding Flora, but then there was just Dani and Flora and she’s crashing through the water to Dani’s side. 

When she gets to them, she helps Dani hold Flora up. Dani seems to be in shock, muttering “it’s us” over and over, Flora is scared into silence, and she’s not quite sure what just happened. Still, she has Dani in her arms and does her best to comfort her. Resting her forehead against Dani’s, she hears the au pair switch from “it’s us” to “it’s okay” to comfort Flora. In the moonlight, it almost looks like one of Dani’s eyes had changed color, but that didn’t matter at the moment. Dani was unsteady on her feet and she slowly helped them from the water. 

She’s still with Dani, now crouched in the grass with her arms holding her close as Flora runs to her uncle and Owen calls for Hannah. The rest of that night is a bit hazy. She remembers getting Dani and the others inside the manor and in front of the fire. She didn’t want to leave Dani alone, but Owen had been so close to losing it without any sign of Hannah and Hannah is family. She and Owen searched outside until well after the sun started to rise and only turn back when Owen can hardly stand up anymore. In front of the fire, Dani and the kids were asleep with Henry watching over them. After settling Owen in a chair, she took her place next to Dani and curled around her. 

When she woke, Dani was holding her arm close and the kids were burrowed into Dani’s side. Again, she doesn’t remember much until Henry pulled Owen and her aside. Henry addresses Owen, but after the night they’d had, she wasn’t letting Owen go off alone. 

“Hannah said that when you check the well, that she’s sorry and she loves you.” Owen had stood there for a moment trying to process what had just been said before he’s off like a shot and she struggled to keep up. The well was another thing that didn’t make sense. Hannah had been with them every day. She’d helped with the kids, saw to the manor, gave her knowing looks when it came to Dani, and been there at every meal. She’d been there, but the state of the body in the well said she’d been dead for some time. 

She remembers guiding Dani back to her room when she got back to the manor. Owen needed some time to himself to say goodbye and make arrangements for Hannah. Only after they were alone in Dani’s room, did Dani allow herself to break down. She’d held Dani as she’d shook and sobbed. Dani had clutched her close out of desperation, but she’d already planned to be there for her in whatever way Dani needed. They’d curled up and stayed in bed for the day. 

It took a week and a half for everything to be settled so that they could all leave. Owen saw to Hannah’s body. She saw to her flat, taking up Henry’s suggestion to stay at the manor until they left, which was great since she didn’t want to be far from Dani. Dani had slept through most of it, but had a mask in place whenever she was in front of the kids. She didn’t know what Henry wound up doing with the manor, but she didn’t care. Even if didn’t have ghosts, too much had happened for any of them to stay. 

She’d had an idea of what she and Dani could do when they left, but it had depended on whether Dani wanted to stay with her. She’d been nervous when she brought it up, but the Dani had said yes. When the day came for them to leave, Dani had given her a chance to reconsider their plans. Dani spoke of a rage inside her, of being watched as she walked through a dense jungle, of knowing that the Lady of the Lake would take her at some point. She plans on sticking around as long as Dani will have her and lets Dani know with a pinkie promise. They say their goodbyes and load up the truck and then they’re on their way. Settling in the seats, she turns to Dani. 

“You all right, Poppins?” 

“Yeah.” 

And just like that both of them have a new start. One that looks promising and one they’re on together. 


	2. How She Got to Where She Is

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dani considers where and how everything started

It’s an eight and a half hour flight from London to New York and Jamie conks out the moment they’re in the air. For the week and a half after the night at the lake, Jamie’s been busy trying to look after everyone and it’s finally caught up with her. There were Flora and Miles, who were finally acting like the kids they were even if they were still traumatized by everything, Owen who was devastated ever since learning of Hannah’s death, and Henry who was trying to adjust to being in his family’s lives again after such unusual circumstances. Then there was her. Since the lake, she hadn’t done much more than sleep, but Jamie had been there whenever she needed her as well and made sure she took care of herself. 

With Jamie’s head resting on her shoulder, she reminds herself that she’s safe and happy, and despite having the Lady of the Lake in her, she really is. She has Jamie by her side and they’re going on an adventure together. The part that makes her happiest was that they were still together. She was still scared and unsure of what was going to happen next or how long it would last, but Jamie kept reminding her that she wasn’t going through this alone. 

When she closes her eyes or lets her mind wander, she remembers it all. The lake water up to Flora’s chin, the iron-like grip around her throat, the feeling of being dragged through the manor. Then there were the other parts she was still trying to ignore. The still fading bruises, one of her eyes now being brown, and the feel of a ghost settling inside her. 

She turns to look out the window and thinks about how all this started, how she got here. She knows and it was years before she ever arrived in Europe. It all started when she first became friends with Eddie O’Mara. Maybe it was the day she told Judy O’Mara that she was going to be Edmund’s new best friend. She’d meant it, and for a while that’s what the two of them were. Looking back on it, she could see that too much of her life had been based around her friendship with Eddie. 

She’d always wanted a best friend, but what really started things becoming more than that was a stupid dare when they were ten. It would be something Eddie would always remember while it was something she easily forgot about. Dares are just something kids do, and at the time, daring him to kiss her was the gustiest thing she could think of. Eddie proposed the next day and at first, she’d thought it was a joke, but even at ten, Eddie was serious. How was she supposed to know that a stupid dare would shape the rest of her life? That it would lead to Eddie proposing over and over until it was in a room full of family and friends where she couldn’t say no? 

She spent a lot her life making everyone else happy, and it started after her dad died. She would start with just her mother, then move on to Eddie, and then his mother who was more of a parent to her than her own had ever been. Her efforts to keep everyone else happy would lead to forgetting what that meant for herself. 

Everything came back to Eddie. When Eddie started seeing her as more than just a friend, things got complicated for her, but only her. She didn’t feel that way about Eddie and never would. He was her best friend, but that’s all he ever would be. Even before Eddie started having a crush on her, she had started noticing other girls. It never really went past her finding them attractive at that age, but even then, she felt more for the girls she noticed than she ever did for Eddie. This would continue to be the case throughout their lives together. 

She tried to force herself to find Eddie attractive just as a guy in general before trying to see him that way romantically, but couldn’t no matter how hard she tried. She hoped Eddie would become attracted to someone else, there were plenty of other girls in high school and then in college, but he never did. The friends she had were ones she knew through Eddie, so they weren’t exactly people she could talk to. That only left Eddie’s mom Judy, but Judy loved her so much and she’d been worried that saying something to her would end that. 

She got away for a while when she went to become a teacher, but Eddie was at a college nearby and always visited her whenever he could. If she tried to use studying as an excuse to avoid him, he would come to keep her company. All she’d wanted was time to herself, a chance to figure herself out, and get her best friend back. He’d keep proposing about every two years after she turned down his proposal after high school graduation. Everyone else found it endearing while she found it aggravating, but given how much he loved her, it also made her feel selfish. 

She became a fourth grade teacher to twenty five students and while it was a bit more than she’d expected, she loved it. Eddie had graduated, got a good paying job, and was on track for promotion. Staying with him meant giving up so many things. She lost her independence, her say in things, the impression that she knew her own mind, and if Eddie and her mother had their way, her job. There was never a question of their engagement or wedding, it was already expected. Her mother had always taken more interest in alcohol than her, but once Eddie proposed after high school, in addition to alcohol, her focus became getting her and Eddie married. When he got his job after college, that only got worse. Everyone was so invested in them being together. Apparently, they were the perfect couple. 

If she’s honest, Eddie’s interest in her had gone over her head at first. She remembers being told by one of their friends that she was so lucky to be dating Eddie. She’d nodded and then tried to figure out when hanging out with her best friend turned into dating. She still treated the proposals like a running joke, but Eddie only got more and more serious about it. The same thing happened before their engagement. Their friends would ask her when she thought Eddie might propose, but she never felt remotely ready for marrying someone she still only saw as her best friend. She still didn’t find Eddie attractive and with how hard he was pushing things between them, she had a hard time taking him seriously. Her eyes were still drawn to women and they would give her the butterflies in the stomach feeling that other girls talked about. Eddie’s arm around her made her want to cringe, she felt nothing when he kissed her and that didn’t change when those kisses moved past being chaste. Sex was uncomfortable to say the least, and he was the only one who got any pleasure out of it. Things would become increasing clear over the years that they wouldn’t work, but she couldn’t tell anyone and there was no one who would listen anyway. 

She was a teacher for a number of years, but every year it was pointed out to her that she didn’t have to work, that Eddie’s job could support them both. Her job was hard and sometimes took a toll on her, but she was doing what she’d always wanted. When it came to Eddie, they were already living together in a small house and that seemed like enough for the time being. Her love of teaching was one of the few things that she loved and was solely hers. It would be the one thing she refused to give up. 

Everything with the wedding happened so fast and with hardly any input from her. She’d put off anything having to do with the wedding as long as she could, sometimes using her job as an excuse, but that only worked for so long. The engagement dinner was the start of everything getting to be too much. It had always been too much, but this was getting to the point of no return. 

In the story Eddie told, the way they got together was due to her stupid dare. He said that they were old enough to know what they wanted, but when it came to her, it was something no one really paid attention to. Otherwise, her answer of no to his proposals would have actually meant something. Somehow, Eddie got to be a man while she was still just a girl in his speech, and that’s pretty much what she’d always been. A girl who had to have everything decided for her, whether you knew you were doing it or not. She still had the small hope that she could go along with it all anyway to make everyone happy. But when Eddie said “for the rest of our lives” her stomach violently turned. She was a possession he got to keep. Somehow, he made it seem like everything had been set in motion by her as if she’d wanted this since he thanked her for “daring me to do it.” They’d been ten and it was a stupid dare. 

The dinner was uncomfortable enough, but afterwards Judy lead her to an upstairs room and presented her with her old wedding dress. Judy said she’d always hoped she’d have a daughter she could give the dress to. If everything went to their plan, she’d be the daughter in law in her mother in law’s wedding dress. She couldn’t say she didn’t want to get married much less wear the beautiful dress. 

Finally, she couldn’t take it anymore. She was surprised she didn’t get an ulcer from having the kind of relationship she didn’t want to a man she didn’t love for years. She didn’t want him like a wife should. She’d done so many things to make everyone else happy, but she could see what would happen next. There would be a beautiful wedding and honeymoon, and then she’d be pressured to quit her job again, and then her only duties would be to keep house and make Eddie and their mothers happy by having babies. She’d been numb about her whole relationship with Eddie ever since high school and was beginning to wonder if she could feel anything but depressed anymore. It was clear now more than ever to her that she couldn’t go through with the wedding. 

She decided to end things at the restaurant, since it would be one of the few times they’d be alone with each other. No parents, no friends, nothing to do with the wedding. Maybe she’d gone about it wrong, but she couldn’t let things go on any further. It turned out she didn’t really have to say much of anything. After all the years they’d known each other, Eddie could read her pretty well when he wanted to. Later, she would wonder how Eddie could see that she wanted to cancel the wedding, but never noticed anything in all the years before. Until then, he’d never been paying attention to anything she felt. 

All she’d wanted was to finally be heard and that night she was. She made her feelings known, but somehow it was still about him. _What did he do? What didn’t he do? Why was she doing this to him?_ She’d done her best to explain, but it didn’t come out smoothly and he didn’t really want to listen. Even after she’d told him she didn’t love him that way and that she was attracted to women, it still didn’t make sense to him. She still loved him, but not the way he wanted, even after years of trying. She’d always love him, but as a best friend. Angry and not being able to wrap his head around any of it, he got out of the car and immediately got hit by a truck. 

The fact that she’d lost her best friend wouldn’t hit until some time later. At the hospital she was still in shock when Eddie’s family arrived. She didn’t remember how she got to there. All she remembered was the blood and that her last words to Eddie had broken his heart. Everyone had always seen them as the perfect couple, but at the end, they weren’t perfect or even a couple. It was something she’d never tell either of their families. When the doctors tell them that Eddie was gone, she takes off to the bathroom. She’s overwhelmed, but with relief instead of sadness. That was the first time Eddie’s shadow appeared. She left for London a few days after the funeral. 

* * *

She doesn’t know what she was expecting in London, but it was nothing like home and that was enough. She’d been keeping in touch with her mom while she was at the hostel and had even managed to make a call to Eddie’s mom. Eddie's brother Carson had answered and told her that he and his mom would take care of the house while she was gone. After that, she cut herself off from anything to do with Iowa. After over a decade of having everything decided for her, she was leaving all that behind her. She was making her own decisions now and one of the first ones was to leave Danielle back in Iowa. From now on she was Dani and she was going to find out who she really was without thinking about anyone else’s opinion. 

Six months later, she’s hired to work at Bly manor where she’ll meet Jamie. 

Her job is to teach and see to the Wingrave kids and that’s something she can do, it’s something she’s good at. She was used to having twenty five students, two she could handle, even if these two caused nearly as much trouble. Hannah and Owen were two of the other people on staff. Hannah saw to the home and Owen saw to the meals. Both were kind and made her feel welcome. 

When she first saw the gardener, she was unexpected yet familiar, almost as if they already knew each other. Despite that feeling, Jamie was different from anyone she’d ever met. Remembering why she came to London, she decided to listen to her feelings for once. Jamie was attractive, but in more ways than just physical. During her time there, she’d find there was more to the gardener than the gruff exterior she let most see. 

She’d come to London to escape so many things, but the biggest one, Eddie, followed her. She knows her behavior is hard to ignore, the way she startles at seemingly nothing, covers the mirrors in her room, and her panic attacks. All are due to Eddie, but that’s more than what she wants to share with anyone. Or at least that’s the case at first. Jamie is the person she winds up opening up to more than once. She’s easy to talk to and be honest with because Jamie doesn’t judge her or make her feel ashamed. Jamie listens and cares about her opinions and her feelings mattered. 

Jamie is everything Eddie wasn’t and it starts with little things. When she feels embarrassed, Jamie might tease her a little, but it always makes her smile or laugh. Jamie’s teasing and relaxed banter is comforting somehow and puts her at ease. Yes, it’s teasing, but it’s good natured, not mocking. Jamie could read her, which was impressive considering that they haven’t known each other very long and she could tell when she needed reassurance or someone to talk to. All these things helped when they really meet for the first time and she’s having a panic attack. She’d had them before and was used to their intensity. She also knew what to do, the controlled breathing and other things, but they still tended to last a while. Jamie managed to pull her out of it faster than ever before and even had her smiling and laughing. 

She felt so many things with Jamie. All those things she’d always heard about from girls growing up, all those things and more. The butterflies, but also the desire, the arousal, the want. She’d tried to have thoughts like that about Eddie, but they only made her feel uncomfortable. When it came to Jamie, those kinds of thoughts would just pop into her head without warning and usually at the worst possible time. Most of the time, she’d be near the gardener and Jamie would tease her about her blush, which would only make her turn redder. Other times, it would happen in front of Hannah or Owen, who politely wouldn’t comment on it, but would share a look. Other than it happening in front of Jamie herself, the only ones worse to have this happen in front of are Flora and Miles. Both will ask her why her face is so red and usually at a volume someone was bound to notice. 

Things seem to happen fast between them even though she’d only spent two months at Bly. Everything with Eddie… well, when it came to intimacy with him, asking if she wanted to, whether it was kissing or having sex, his questions were always rhetorical. Sex was last thing she wanted to do with Eddie when even kissing was unpleasant. She’d always said no when he asked to do… anything intimate really. That only lasted for so long until he decided that she’d like it if she tried it. When she didn’t enjoy it, he never thought it might be because it was him, or that she had been right and didn’t actually like it, it was always that maybe next time she would, and then having satisfied himself, he assumed everything was fine. Her comfort and pleasure never came into it, but then again, it hadn’t for a very long time. 

With Jamie, well, even before their first kiss went very far, Jamie was asking if she was sure. During their first night together, Jamie would ask if they were moving too fast and as they took things further, she would make sure she was comfortable with what they were doing. Jamie is considerate when it comes to everything with her and for the first time, she experienced what a real relationship was supposed to be like. 

She’s taken out of her thoughts when Jamie nuzzles further into her shoulder and she can’t help her smile. She’d given Jamie a chance to reconsider things, to rethink inviting her along on her adventure. She hadn’t had a plan of what to do next, she’d been focusing on who she’d let inside her ever since the lake. Jamie had seen what happened that night. She might not understand it, but when she started feeling crazy again and doubting herself, Jamie would keep her grounded. Jamie had been doing that in one way or another for a while. 

Jamie’s a very patient person and she’s lucky she is given how many times Eddie interrupted things and had her sending mixed messages to the gardener. She’s patient too to a certain extent, it comes with being a teacher, but her own patience is sort of limited to teaching and dealing with kids. Everything in her life before had seemed so rushed and that hadn’t been limited to just things with Eddie. School had seemed to pass in a blur and the moment she’d graduated high school she had to have a plan or her mother would have had her marry Eddie as they got their high school diplomas. Thankfully, she’d been planning on going into teaching since the beginning of her junior year, much to her mother’s displeasure. 

Since she’d been with Eddie since they were kids, there were various things she’d missed out on learning. Flirting was definitely one of them and subtlety, was another. The first time she all out stares at Jamie, Flora and Miles were the only ones to notice. She’d thought that was a good thing until Flora loudly asked if she thought Jamie was pretty. They happen to going through the gardens when the small girl says this, so there’s no way Jamie didn’t hear her. It’s also how she finally learned the gardener’s name. As things go on she realizes there’s no way Hannah and Owen didn’t notice her attraction, but thankfully they’re too polite to say anything. Since she has no experience with the basics of displaying attraction, she didn’t stand a chance with Eddie still haunting her. 

Jamie gave her time to figure things out, down to the smallest detail. Eddie seemed to be everywhere and later would be more than just a reflection. Once she got to Bly, he seemed to ruin every moment she had the potential to be happy. Jamie was the first person she ever told about Eddie haunting her and her thinking she was crazy. For some reason, even though she was fairly certain it was true, the gardener didn’t. The moment she jerked back though, even though it crushed her, Jamie gave her space, gave her time to figure things out. Jamie would be the reason she was able to let Eddie and her guilt go. Jamie was the reason she also got up at a ridiculous hour when she knew she’d be back. Jamie was the reason for so many things. In front of the moonflowers, Jamie would tell her the things she’d always needed to hear from someone, that she couldn’t control death. Jamie would go one to say that sometimes there’s someone who just might be worth the effort. She’d hoped she was because despite what she told her that night, she knew Jamie was. 

Jamie always wanted to makes sure she didn’t feel pressured into anything and that she was thinking things through. Having not experienced that kind of consideration before, it meant all that much more to her. When it came to them travelling together, Jamie had asked her in the morning, but hadn’t wanted an answer then. Instead, she wanted her to think about it for a day if not longer. She was ready to say yes immediately, but she had taken the time to think about it. She had to consider the ghost she was now carrying inside her. She could still feel her, feel her lurking, watching. It felt overwhelming and it wouldn’t be fair to burden Jamie with it too. 

But then she remembered the other part of what Jamie said. That she should consider every aspect of things before she decided. She could hear Jamie in her head sometimes as she lay in the bed and thought about it. Yes, she had invited the Lady of the Lake inside her, but she’d had to in order to save Flora’s life and she knows she would do it again. Jamie would also point out that inviting her in didn’t mean giving up on a life for herself. She reminds herself of this when she can’t help but know that the Lady of the Lake would come for her at some point, it’s just be a matter of when. The longer she thinks about things, the greater the doom gets. 

It’s a few days later, as she’s packing her things, that she lets Jamie reconsider things. She’d said yes to travelling together the night before, but as they were in bed that night, Jamie curled into her side, she knew she couldn’t go with Jamie without letting her know what she was getting into. So, she told her. She told her about the rage, the feeling of being watched by a beast in a jungle, about knowing that death was coming for her at some point. She expected Jamie to take time to think like she always made her, but Jamie just extends her pinky and asks if she wants company. 

She’s brought out of her thoughts again when the flight attendant asks if she’d like a blanket or a pillow. She takes the large blanket offered and spreads it between Jamie and herself. Trying to get comfortable without jostling Jamie, she snuggles into her seat. She’d left Iowa to get away from something haunting her and now she was returning to the states with something else haunting her. 

Even with everything that had happened at Bly, she doesn’t regret going to London. Doesn’t regret taking the job at Bly, doesn’t regret any of it. There are somethings she feels like she should have picked up on earlier, but there wasn’t really a point in looking back now. It was the first time she’d ever really gotten to do things on her own. Up until that point, everything had been laid out for her, but once she reached London she was stumbling through things, and while it had been frustrating sometimes, it was also invigorating. 

At Bly she found… they weren’t really just friends, they were more like family to her. Hannah, so elegant and so understanding of everything. She was always there with a kind smile and a kind word if you needed it. Owen was full of awful puns but it made her more comfortable with being herself. Flora and Miles reminded her that there were things that she was good at. She was reminded that she could be someone other than just Eddie’s girlfriend or fiancé. There she felt accepted as herself. Jamie was the first person she’d let see all of her since she was a kid. With her she not only felt understood, she could let herself be vulnerable, she felt safe being herself. This was another adventure she was going on, but this time she wasn’t alone and together she knew they could handle anything. With that in mind, she was excited about what was coming next. Settling further in her seat, she knew she should get some sleep. Casually resting her head slightly against Jamie’s she lets herself drift to sleep. 


	3. The Beginning of the Road Trip

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After landing in New York there are various things they have to figure out, but not without having a bit of fun while they're at it. Dani takes Jamie to pick up some essentials and they take time to visit Central Park. After that it's about how they get started.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a small note. I know nothing about New York other than what I look up on Google. That goes for the rest of their road trip too.

Some people say that New York and London are a lot alike. They’ll see if it’s true tomorrow or maybe the next day. London is five hours ahead of New York and that will take some getting used to. Finding a good place to stay and a meal for dinner is just about all they can manage after they first arrive, but thankfully it’s all they have to do. 

They stay in New York for three days. There are various tourist attractions they can visit, but Times Square is one they plan to avoid. Dani’s clearly nervous when she asks, but Jamie just smiles and shrugs. 

“You know me Poppins, I’ve always preferred plants over people anyway. Being surrounded by so many was bound to make me more than a little nervous anyway.” Dani doubts it, but she’s relieved that they can skip it. If Jamie had really wanted to go, she would have made do and gone, even with the ghost still trying to get comfortable in her head. She wants this to be fun for the both of them. Jamie always tells her the truth though. She’d like to think she’s getting better at reading the brunette, and Jamie's eyes and smile are shining like they always do. They barely finish their meal before they’re slumping in their chairs with exhaustion, their travels taking its toll. Dani curls herself around Jamie again as she falls asleep. It’s the kind of thing Jamie knows she’d usually hate, she’d find it confining, but with Dani it’s a sign that the other woman cares about her. 

The place they’re staying doesn’t offer much more than a muffin and coffee for breakfast, and they need a decent meal if they’re going to go off exploring. They get directions to a nearby diner from someone at the front desk and head out. As they make their way there, Dani stops at one of the better hotels and grabs a bunch of attraction pamphlets. 

Sitting in the diner, Dani goes through all the pamphlets while Jamie mutters about not being able to get a cup of tea. 

“We are in an American diner. It’s not exactly the kind of place to have tea” points out Dani as she continues skimming and trying to find places that interest them. She thinks she’s found something and then looks up to find Jamie already looking at her. 

“What are you getting to eat?” Dani smirks. 

“The same thing I always get for breakfast in diners, eggs, bacon, and toast. What about you?” She can’t help but smile at the small scowl Jamie gives the plastic menu in front of her. “Why don’t I just get you what I’m having?” Jamie nods and then looks towards everything Dani has spread out in front of her. 

“Where are you thinking?” 

“Maybe Central Park tomorrow? I thought today we could look around at a few shops” she answers easily. She has something planned for Jamie, but she still needs to figure out where to take her exactly. The meal doesn’t seem objectionable to Jamie so she counts that as a win. 

It takes asking more than a handful of people but Dani finally finds what she’s looking for. Normally, it would be harder to do this without Jamie noticing, but it’s New York and there’s always something to look at. For instance, rather than going to a zoo, Jamie points out the largest rat either of them have ever seen carrying one of those pretzels you can get from street vendors. Food from street vendors happens to be something Jamie loves and provides the perfect distraction while she asks around. If Owen saw this he’d be so offended, so she makes a mental note to be sure and tell him at some point. 

Crawling into a cab, Dani asks to go to a specific street and Jamie raises an eyebrow, but she just gives her a smile. When they get dropped off, they wander down a street full of stores. What makes this particular street perfect for Jamie is that it has three different types of bookshops. Jamie’s still a bit confused until Dani points out the first one. Having been around Flora for two months, she’s used to being dragged around by the hand and that’s exactly what Jamie does, tug her through the doorway of the first shop. 

Henry Wingrave had given them a more than generous severance, something Jamie would have said Dani more deserved after that night at the lake. She’d elbowed Jamie in the ribs and the gardener had kept her comment to a low mumble that Henry couldn’t hear. What they’d been given was more than enough to fund their road trip and then some, but after the third bookstore, Dani was a little worried that if she hadn’t literally dragged Jamie from the last store, she would have blown every dollar they had there. 

It’s only after they get back to where they’re staying that Jamie realizes her real dilemma. It hadn’t been trying to decide what books to buy, despite spending what seemed like hours trying to pick which ones were worth just looking at, the real problem was deciding which to start reading first. Dani hadn’t minded waiting in all three shops, it had been worth it to the look of wonder on Jamie’s face followed by a look of joy, similar to the one Flora wore when Henry told them he was taking them to America. 

The last shop is a bit of walk but Dani knows it’ll be worth it. 

“Not that I’m not loving all the places we’ve been to so far, but I think I’ll be good on books for a while. I also don’t think I can carry any more.” 

“That wouldn’t be a problem if you let me carry some of them, but no, this place doesn’t sell books. You have to promise me that you won’t spend a ridiculous amount of money here though. We already did that on books today.” Jamie forces herself to nod, but gets reluctant to go any further when Dani puts a hand over her eyes. 

“Poppins? I’m just going to point out here that we’re in a city that neither of us is familiar with and you’re covering my eyes.” 

“Relax, it’s just a little way forward, but I don’t want you to look until we get inside.” 

“Can’t I just close my eyes?” 

“Nope. In this circumstance I don’t trust you.” Jamie gives a harrumph, but closes her eyes anyway and lets Dani lead her forward. She can hear Dani open the door and guide her inside and that’s when she smells it. Dani had wanted it to be a surprise, but the smell is probably unmistakable and has Jamie pulling her hand away the moment they’re inside. 

“Proper tea! In New York!” Once again, there’s that look of childlike joy on Jamie’s face but this time there's also a look of relief mixed in. 

“I thought we should stock up a bit since I doubt there will be any other place we’ll find some up to your standards while we’re on the road.” Jamie nods absently and starts wandering around the store. It’s about twenty minutes later that an old man wanders over and asks if he can help. Jamie’s still a bit too overwhelmed to say anything, so she answers. 

“Yes please. We’re going to be on the road and need some teas that she finds acceptable to last us a while.” The man nods like he completely understands. 

“It was quite a struggle for me when I first got here. I knew I couldn’t be the only one with a need for actual tea in New York and decided to open this shop. Where about England is your friend from?” That has Jamie turning around and catching her eye. The last thing they want to do is mention Bly, so Jamie answers London. The man nods sagely. Jamie is still wandering the aisles, and she knows if she was to try it Jamie would dig her heels in, but the old man gently pulls Jamie behind him towards the front counter. Dani follows and can’t help but be amused by how Jamie is letting someone guide her like a small child. 

“I would recommend this box of various teas. It has a variety as well as some that aren’t as common, but all of them will feel like home. One box lasted our last local guest about a year? Will that do?” Dani doesn’t see them being on the road that long, but once they get settled they’ll still need a supply. When he finishes the order, he hands her a few of the shops cards and tells them that he can do mail orders as well. Seeing as how Jamie has no more hands left, she carries the medium sized box, which is surprisingly a bit heavy for tea. Jamie is still in a state of joy when they get back to where they’re staying. 

* * *

Bly was a town that was lucky to have a pub so expecting something as wonderful as a bookstore…well, you’d have to go all the way back to London for something like that. She’d always moved around a lot until she got to Bly, but one thing she could depend on was a good book. Those were her only real constant companion. Wherever she and Dani were going, she was betting a few books wouldn’t take up much room, even though she’d bought more than just a few. Okay, a lot more. The tea, well that was an essential and the old man had been right, it would last them the trip. 

This wasn’t the first night she’d spent with Dani, but it’s still dark when she notices the heat along her back is gone and so is the arm her waist. She’s still slightly asleep when she turns to reach for Dani, but fully wakes the moment she finds Dani isn’t there. Sitting up she looks around the room and sees the light coming from under the bathroom door. Falling back down on the bed, she waits for her to come back out. After what feels about like ten minutes, she goes and knocks on the door. 

“Poppins?” She tries the knob and thankfully finds it unlocked. She eases herself in slowly, careful not to startle the blonde, and finds her sitting on the floor against the side of the tub. Still moving slowly, she settles herself on the floor next to her but stays silent. She’d never seen a ghost in all her years at Bly and apparently there had been more than one. Or at least she thinks she hadn’t, she doesn’t really want to look back and think about it. But she knows she saw something that no one can really explain that night, something that no one other than the people who were there will ever understand. 

One thing she wishes she understood better was what was happening in Dani’s head at night. Dani tells her what she can when she wakes up, but it only helps so much. While they’d still been at Bly, Dani said she could feel the ghost settling inside her, but she doesn’t know what that means. There was a time where that would frustrate her to the point of doing something stupid like hitting something, exactly what she’d warned Dani against back at Bly, but now she just tries to find ways to help. Unfortunately, she hasn’t come up with anything other than holding Dani close and listening. The floor is cold, but that’s the last thing on her mind. All she can do at the moment is wait for Dani to come back to her. 

She’s lost track of time and is nearly asleep leaning against her legs when Dani speaks softly. In the small bathroom it seems to echo and startles her. 

“I didn’t mean to wake you.” 

“I wish you had. I know there isn’t much I can do to help, but the only way I can try is if you tell me what’s going on. When did you get up?” Dani’s still has her head propped up on her arms and those on her knees and her gaze is still fixed straight ahead, looking at nothing. 

“I slept for maybe three hours? Had more of my night terrors.” Dani’s voice is just above a whisper, so she keeps her own soft as well. Dani’s had night terrors before. Terrors because somehow the word nightmare just doesn’t describe the way Dani sometimes wakes up shaking and drenched in sweat. She’d rub her hand up and down Dani’s back, but she’s still not sure that her touch would be welcome. Then Dani leans into her and the first thing she does is put her arm around her and rub her fingers along her arm. 

“She’s… trying to figure out who she’s in. At least that’s what it feels like. She’s going through my own unpleasant memories and… well, I have a few. More than just Eddie.” Jamie’s still unsure of what to do, so she just listens. “My mother is an alcoholic. I can’t remember a time when she wasn’t, just when it got really bad and then even worse. I went to Eddie’s as often as I could to avoid her. Stayed for dinner, stayed late, went there to study, even when we were in high school. That probably didn’t help when it came to Eddie thinking I was interested in him, but it was the safest place to be. 

She wasn’t a violent drunk or anything, at least not physically. She just has this sixth sense when it comes to knowing what would hurt me the most emotionally, where all my buttons are. It got pretty bad when I tried to tell her I’m gay, she really made sure to drive the knife in, but the next day she was back to ignoring anything but the upcoming wedding plans. When Eddie died, it got really bad and I hadn’t thought that was possible. After breaking up with Eddie and how it led to his death, I didn’t want to stay in the house he got for us, but it was really the only place I could go to get away from my mother and the pity of the whole town. It felt unbearable being in that house since it reminded me of Eddie but also of the life he’d planned for us that I’d never wanted, but I didn’t have to stay there long. I’d already decided to get as far from Iowa as I could. 

But the Lady, going through everything, all the memories in my head, right now feels worse than my mom going at me. It’s different from the memories that all of this started with, but just like last time, I don’t know how long this digging will go or how long I can deal with it.” She’s still unsure of what to do, but she has an idea. 

“We could go back to bed and I could read to you. Do you think that might help?” Dani gets up and offers her a hand. As Dani snuggles back against the pillows, she goes and tries to pick a book to start with. 

“How about The Doorbell Rang by Rex Stout? He writes mystery novels, but they’re a bit old. I got into them while I was in prison. There was never anything new there, but there were lots of his books and I fell in love with them. There’s nothing gory or anything and the lead in the books, Nero Wolfe, has a love of orchids.”

“Hmm. Should have known it would have to be more than just the mystery that got your attention. A fellow lover of flowers is always a plus” comments Dani as she cuddles into her side once she’s settled in. Jamie turns on the small side table light that gives off just enough glow to read from and won’t keep them up. She smirks at Dani. 

“Believe it or not, but I actually got into these before I was introduced to gardening.” She clears her throat softly before beginning. “ _Since it was the deciding factor, I might as well begin by describing it. It was a pink slip of paper three inches wide and seven inches long, and it told the First National City Bank to pay to the order of Nero Wolfe one hundred thousand dollars…_ ” 

After a while she feels herself getting tired, but Dani isn’t quite asleep yet, so she continues. At some point she must have fallen asleep herself because she wakes up at about nine with the book on her chest and Dani still nestled into her side. She has a bit of a crick in her neck, but otherwise feels rested. She gently runs her fingers through Dani’s blonde hair while she sleeps. It’s another hour before Dani begins to stir. Given the night Dani had, she looks as well rested as she can be. 

“What time is it?” asks Dani as she sits up. 

“Little after ten. If we hurry, we can still grab a muffin” she teases but that’s exactly what they wind up doing. They’d looked at the pamphlet that went over the attractions in Central Park over their muffins. The first attraction listed is rowing in the lake. Neither of them has to say anything to know that it is immediately crossed off the list. They’ve both had more than their share of lakes to last a lifetime. 

* * *

Once they get to Central Park, they head towards the Conservatory Garden. Jamie’s skeptical when it comes to the garden’s quality, but Dani tells her that they’re European style gardens, so there’s a chance they'll meet her high standards. If she can manage it, Dani plans on them visiting a few places that involve gardens or something outside. She feels awful for leaving the manor without giving Jamie a real chance to say goodbye to her wonderful gardens. The roses alone had been amazing and Jamie had put so much time and effort into the grounds. They hadn’t even taken pictures of it. So, she figures the very least she can do is show her various things on the road. She remembers hearing about the cherry blossoms in Washington DC when she was growing up and plans to take Jamie to see those too if she can. 

It doesn’t surprise Dani at all that as they walk through the garden, that Jamie knows about every plant there. She watches Jamie as she takes in the heirloom roses. That had been her favorite part of the gardens at Bly, Jamie’s roses. When Miles had cut her roses, she’d thought it was just the fact that her hard work had been ruined. She understood better when Jamie explained it to her, once Dani calmed her down a bit and Miles wasn’t in danger of being murdered. It wasn’t until she’d taken the time to actually wander the gardens on her own, without Flora tugging her along to point out her favorite statue, or going out to help Miles find something he lost, that she thought she really understood. The gardens were nothing short of magical. They were full of color and carefully sculpted and trimmed. Every part of it was done by hand and with such care it was no wonder Jamie had taken offense at having part of them wrecked. Jamie could make magic with nothing more than seeds, soil, and water. 

The Conservatory Garden is divided into three parts and each is a different style. There’s the French Garden, the Italian Garden, and the English Garden. They make rounds of all three and while there are small signs around that tell about the flowers, Jamie knows about each one already. The fact that she’s never been to France or Italy isn’t relevant when it comes to her extensive knowledge. 

“The ladies that taught me about gardening knew all sorts of things, but they loaned me a few books on the subject too. I also got a few books of my own when I got out. Still have them packed in my stuff somewhere. I know about plants of all sorts. I guess it’s kind of stupid…” 

“It’s not stupid. It’s something you’re interested in and that’s nothing to be ashamed of. It’s something you’ve used to have a successful career-” Jamie looks ready to debate that point so she gives her a hard look. “There’s nothing wrong with being knowledgeable in something and when it comes to gardening, I’m betting you know more than most.” That gets her a small smile, and then they’re walking again. She happens to like the English Garden, but according to Jamie, it could be better. 

Dani has a blanket tucked away in her backpack and they plan on spending some time on the grass just lounging. Back at Bly, there had been what seemed like endless amounts of grass, but there tended to always be something happening, keeping them from just sitting out there and resting a bit. She can’t help her small frown when she thinks about how most of her time on the grass had been spent with the kids. They’d had fun playing various games, but then there were those mornings where she found Flora sleep walking. She should have known something was wrong. She should have—” 

“Poppins?” She turns to look at Jamie and there’s no hiding where her thoughts had gone. Jamie doesn’t like being lied to, but it’s not something she plans on doing anyway. Her relationship with Eddie had been made up of one big lie. She wanted what she had with Jamie to work and that would only happen if she was honest. Jamie has always been able to read her though, so it turns out she doesn’t even have to say anything. Jamie simply reaches down and squeezes her hand. 

Apparently, there are street food vendors everywhere in New York and Owen would be horrified by the sheer number of hot dogs Jamie’s eaten alone. She’s just about to say that there’s no way Jamie could possibly need an ice cream cone after the huge hot dog, but Jamie just points a finger at her. 

“No, I’m not a gremlin you have to look after. Plus, it’s after lunch so ice cream is completely acceptable.” Jamie throws in one of her smirks and all Dani can do is roll her eyes. They’re moving on when they spot a bunch of people sitting at chess tables. Jamie’s moving again without really thinking about it, and inspects each game before coming to a stop at a table at the end. She’s watching the game intently so Dani just sits down at a nearby bench and smiles. 

She doesn’t think she’ll ever forget everything Jamie told her in the grove in front of the moonflowers. She knew it was a huge sign of trust, but she also noticed how it didn’t sound like Jamie had ever really been happy. Not until she’d discovered gardening at least, but even then, it hadn’t been under the best of circumstances. It’s easy to see how drawn in Jamie is by the game going on in front of her. She's careful to stay back far enough so that she isn’t breathing down the necks of the players, but still close enough that she can watch. 

It’s not long until the game Jamie’s watching is over and both players shake hands before one of them leaves. Jamie looks like she’s about to do the same when the man at the table motions for her to take a seat. Dani’s already nodding when Jamie looks up at her to see if she minds. She leaves for a moment to get a pretzel and hopes Jamie doesn’t notice because she knows she’ll never hear the end of it. She never minds Jamie’s teasing, her only real concern is that if Jamie notices, she’ll have to give her half and she happens to be hungry. Dani can’t tell how the game is going from where she’s sitting, but she only knows the basics. It’s clear even from where she’s sitting that she wouldn’t stand a chance in a game against Jamie. 

It’s about forty minutes later when the game ends. It’s impressive that anyone won seeing as how there are only about five pieces left on the board. Jamie gets up and shakes the man’s hand with one of her grins. Dani can’t help her own wide smile when Jamie’s back at her side. 

“You win?” 

“Against that guy? No way, but it was the best game I’ve had in ages. Hannah knew how to play, but always said she had more fun watching me play against Owen. Trouncing Owen never got boring but that was only because we didn’t play often. It was safer for him to bring out the wine in front of the fire instead of the chess board.” 

With the blanket across the grass beneath them, Dani lays down and stares up at the sky and just watches the clouds. She remembers doing this as a kid, when things had been so much easier, when Eddie was still just her best friend. She remembers trying to see shapes and figures in the clouds. She’s trying to do that now and forget everything else except for Jamie sitting beside her. 

“If you see a duck let me know” says Jamie. Dani looks towards the brunette and raises an eyebrow. “It was one of the things Miles would always rile Flora up with, but only jokingly. She’d ask him what he saw and he’d say a duck or some other bird. Flora would get so excited and want to see it too, but he’d meant a literal duck and she’d be so cross with him. I heard it happen a few times only because their voices would carry across the lawn. That wasn’t the only thing I heard though.” Dani settles with her arms behind her head and closes her eyes. 

“What else?” Jamie shrugs before answering as she pulls out her book. 

“Well, when they were alive, I’d hear Lady Wingrave chatting with Flora and trying to answer some of her many questions. When Flora turned her questions towards me, Lady Wingrave would pull Flora back when it got to be too much and when I first got there, that would happen fast. Miles was always a loner, but she spent time with him too. She got him books he liked, taught him chess and other things. As you know, Flora and Miles are very different kids, but Lady Wingrave encouraged them both and helped build up their strengths. She was a good mother. 

Anyway, what else… Well I heard Peter and Rebecca talking together more than once and that got under my skin because even when he thought he was being kind it was sort of an insult. He’d say things like Rebecca had a promising future as a barrister. Not that he’d know anything about that himself, but what he did know was that Henry had hired her to be the au pair and was never going to help her. Especially if it meant having to find an au pair again. The only way she would have become a barrister was if she left, but Peter Quint always made her dream seem like a possibility as long as she stayed. 

Oh, and then one day I heard Flora ask the new au pair if they thought I was pretty.” Jamie’s teasing smirk is firmly back in place and Dani can feel her face warm up. 

“I know she’s only eight, but there was no reason to for her to say it that loud…” mutters Dani, but Jamie just laughs and squeezes her shoulder. 

“What I didn’t hear was your response, but that combined with your staring sort of made things clear on your end, I just didn’t know what to do with that yet. We’d hardly spoken at that point. At the risk of your face getting even redder, Hannah heard Flora’s question too.” Dani can feel her face do exactly that and Jamie chuckles and gives her a nudge. “Hannah said that you liking me without knowing me yet, without me hardly even making eye contact with you, meant I should give you a chance. Glad I did, Poppins.” Dani scoffs. 

“So glad my panic attack got us talking. Don’t get me wrong, it was nice to finally sort of talk to you. I’ve never been pulled out of one of my attacks so fast before, much less with laughter. I wish our first interaction hadn’t been at one of my low points when I was overwhelmed and felt like I couldn’t breathe though.” 

Both of their thoughts drift to the night before. Before Dani can dwell on it too much, she looks up and sees what book Jamie is reading. 

“Hey! You can’t read that! You’ll get ahead of where we were last night!” 

“Hate to break it to you Poppins, but you fell asleep after a while. I should also point out that it looked like you slept pretty well for the rest of the night.” Dani doesn’t even try to hide her smile because it was true. The rest of the night had gone fine for once. 

“Looks like all I needed was a good book. Still, I don’t want you to get ahead of where we left off.” For now it's a simple solution, but they both know it won't always be that way. 

“Well, you’ll have to tell me how much you remember and I’ll start from there. You were nodding off, but I kept reading until you were out. And then I might have read until the next chapter.” Dani swats her arm. 

* * *

The next day is all about getting their road trip started. They’ll need a car, so they start back at the diner and ask a waitress where the best nearby garage is. They have a cab take them there, and then with the promise of bringing it to the garage for a once over before they go, they get directions to one of the better used car places. When it comes to actually picking a car though, it’s a bit complicated. 

“Gardening is my area of expertise Poppins. I can fix somethings on a car, but actually picking one is a little more than I know.” 

“I guess we should go for one you’re able to fix things on. What do you think?” They both know they’re being eyed by the car dealer, so they have to decide something fast before the dealer comes to offer some “help”. They settle on a decent sized truck with a big trunk and a good back seat. Jamie gives it a once over and is pretty sure she can handle if something happens on the road. They manage to negotiate a reasonable price and bring it back to the garage. 

Unsurprisingly, they wouldn’t have gotten very far since there’s more than a few things wrong with the truck. They sit around for four hours in the garage and pour over a road atlas trying to figure out where to go next. It’s early afternoon when everything is loaded up and the truck is full of gas and they’re finally out on the road. 


	4. Being on the Road

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There are numerous things to visit in every state, but it turns out they have mixed opinions on a few. Then there's what to buy, where to stay, and what to listen to. All of it up for debate.

They find out various things on the road. For one, it takes them a while to figure out how to deal with the cooler they bought. During the day, it stays in the back seat, but it takes them an embarrassingly long time to figure out they can just put it in the passenger seat when they spend the night together in the back seat instead of trying to rearrange everything in the trunk. 

Dani is capable of driving, but Jamie enjoys it, so she always starts out. Dani takes care of the radio and snacks. Maybe it comes with her being a teacher, but she seems to know exactly when they should take breaks, switch off driving, and stop for the night. 

It turns out to be harder than they thought to pick things they’re both interested in. It’s a discussion that lasted almost the four hour drive to Pennsylvania. Jamie isn’t all that excited about visiting historic sites. She’ll go if Dani wants to see them, but in her opinion, America hasn’t been around long enough to have much of a history. There are an astounding number of national and state parks in Pennsylvania alone. Over twenty at least and this will be true of every state they visit. They go to various museums, but none of them involving American history. The few times they did try visiting some, Dani was afraid they’d be kicked out, but she really couldn’t help her laughter at the commentary Jamie was whispering in her ear. Instead of being thrown out, she just leads Jamie back out before her own laughter gets out of control. 

The Philadelphia Museum of Art turns out to be pretty interesting to them both. Up until they get to the armor section. 

“You’re a teacher of all sorts of subjects, right Poppins?” 

“Well, yes. As a fourth grade teacher I taught most subjects myself.” Dani isn’t sure where this is going but she feels there’s a punch line coming with one of Jamie’s best smirks. 

“Oh good, so when exactly did you all use armor? According to this little sign, it’s German armor. You’ve had your share of battles, but none that used that sort of thing, right?” Dani rolls her eyes. Jamie lifts an eyebrow at her and Dani knows she wants an audible answer. 

“No, we didn’t. It was most likely donated to the museum.” Jamie gives her a skeptical look. “Okay, so we might have stolen our fair share--” 

“Fair?” Dani lets out an exasperated sigh. 

“Oh, like British Museums are so perfect” she grumbles. Just like she’d guessed, after letting out a laugh, Jamie gives her that smirk. If it were anyone else, she’d find it infuriating, and she does to a certain extent, but on Jamie it’s also very attractive. 

* * *

Jamie finds out various things about Dani while they’re on the road. For instance, Dani sleeps better when they’re driving. Maybe it’s the constant movement and occasional bump and dip that keeps her from settling too deeply into the dream. Whatever the reason, they’re both glad for it at night. Somehow, she finds the way Dani sleeps while they’re driving adorable. Dani’s body slumped against the window with her mouth open. It looks very uncomfortable but Dani seems to sleep well enough. 

Jamie still reads to her each night in hopes that it will help keep her mind off her memories. It turns out that Dani’s as bad as she is in wanting to know what happens next in a book. For all of her ability to set rules and keep to them when it comes to kids, Dani has a hard time sticking to them herself when it comes to something she really wants or enjoys. Jamie had to literally pull the book out of Dani’s hands one night. It didn’t seem to matter that they were both so tired they could hardly keep their eyes open, much less focus on the words. 

Given that the places they stay aren’t exactly the best quality or likely to offer up breakfast, they keep their cooler full of drinks and various foods with them. Dani’s adamant that if they’re going to keep at their current pace, they’ll have to eat well and that means more than just junk food. For once, Dani gets to do the teasing when it comes to what food is called. Asking for chips irritates Jamie until Dani just starts ordering fries and then switches the orders when they come. Picking up cookies is fine but Jamie refuses to call them anything but biscuits. 

“You all wanted your independence and for some reason that meant abandoning proper English, you heathens.” 

* * *

Jamie isn’t without dark thoughts of her own, her own regrets about what happened back in Bly. 

“I wanted to say I’m sorry” says Jamie as they make their way to Ohio. 

“What for? Did you read ahead in the book again?” asks Dani, but when she turns towards her, she sees that Jamie’s being serious. 

“For things that I did in Bly. Didn’t do really. The first day we met, you said you saw someone on the parapet. If I’d done something then, maybe—”

“You mean if you listened to the woman who was already seeing things that weren’t there?”

“I didn’t know that at the time and Eddie was very real for you. Turned out that Peter was real too.” 

“I know. About both Eddie and Peter. But what would you have done? Tried shooting or fighting Peter’s ghost?” Jamie shrugs. 

“You did a pretty good job of it. Both times.” Dani isn’t so sure of that. Jamie had been a big part of why she was able to let Eddie go. The second time, her need to keep Flora and Miles safe was what had her moving past her fear. In both cases, she felt that other things had made her act rather than her own bravery. She knows that if she were to say as much, Jamie… well she wouldn’t get mad, but she’d probably spend the next hour pointing all the ways she was wrong. 

“I also should have stayed that night. You asked me to and I should have.” Dani tries to hold back a sigh, but it gets out anyway. 

“If you had, I would have been with you that night. I'd still check on Flora, but I might have never noticed that anything was wrong, might never have seen Peter and Rebecca, and not knowing that the Lady of the Lake was real, she might have taken you. Flora saved me from her, but if she’d taken you I wouldn’t have known what to do. Rebecca would have been in Flora and—” She can’t really think about it any farther, she can feel her chest tighten at just the idea of Jamie being taken and her being unable to stop it. Jamie must have noticed too, because then her hand is off the wheel and holding hers. Dani clears her throat. 

“The first time I saw Peter's ghost was actually the first time I got you to look at me. Sort of.” For once she’s the one making jokes that lighten things up. Jamie has a hint of a smile on her face, but Dani interjects before Jamie tries to apologize for something else. 

“You know, I have something to apologize for too.” Jamie gives her look. “I ate the rest of the pretzels.” Jamie looks like she’s stuck between a grin and a scowl. 

“Great. I thought we were saving those for me. That was my half of the bag!” 

“I was hungry!”

“And you couldn’t pick one of the hundred other snacks we have? The mixed nuts, the candy, the fresh fruit you made us buy?” Dani knows she’s teasing but it’s also pulling them away from their thoughts of Bly. 

* * *

Music is another thing they discover about each other while they’re on the road. It’s mostly teasing while they’re in between areas of radio static. Dani knew that Jamie had to like more than just Blondie when it came to music, but that’s the only band t shirt she’s seen Jamie wear so it’s the only band she knows Jamie likes. Well, the only band she knows the name of. Music wasn’t something they really had time for while they were at Bly. As they drive, Jamie has her searching for stations playing more of the music she likes. Some she knows, like David Bowie, The Clash, and Queen, but she hasn’t really listened to a lot. Naturally, this means Jamie goes out of her way to have Dani listen to them when she has control of the radio. Somehow, this leads to conversation about movies and then it starts a debate about whether a song is from The Sound of Music or My Fair Lady. 

“C’mon Poppins, you have to know. I feel like it’s your type of movie. I mean you already said that Breakfast at Tiffany’s is one of your favorites.” 

“How is that relevant?”

“Audrey Hepburn is in My Fair Lady and Breakfast at Tiffany’s so I know you’ve seen both.” 

“I’m not going to ask how you know she’s in both, I’m just going to hold on to it and tease you about it later. Still, what does any of this have to do with The Sound of Music?” 

“You’re the sort that knows all the songs from those films, I just know it” Dani blushes and can sense the grin growing on Jamie’s face so she keeps her gaze out the side window. 

“Those aren’t the only type of movies I watch you know. I saw Carrie when it came out.” Then she frowns. That had been another awkward date night with Eddie, at least on her end. Maybe he expected something like her jumping close to him at scary parts like the ending, but she’d never had problems with horror films and he knew that. Up until what happened at the manor they’d been something she’d enjoyed. Although Jamie probably knows what she’s thinking about, she thankfully doesn’t bring it up. 

“Blood not your thing? It was pig’s blood if that makes you feel any better” comments Jamie. Dani can’t help the laugh that spills out of her. Only Jamie seems to make her laugh like this. 

“I don’t have a thing about blood, but if I did, why would it being pigs blood be better? Back to the original thing we were talking about, if you sang it, we could figure out what song it is and I could tell you what it’s from.” 

“Yeah, that’s not happening Poppins.” 

“So, you’ll sing along to Siouxsie and the Banshees but not a musical?”

“Those are very different types of music.” 

“I’m guessing this is where you tell me that you bought nothing but Nero Wolfe mysteries in that second bookstore.” This time it’s Jamie who blushes a bit. It’s faint, but it’s there and Dani enjoys it far too much. It’s not often that Jamie blushes. Somehow, Jamie manages to push her blush back down though and she’s definitely asking how she did that later. It could come in very useful for her especially around Jamie since she’s the only one who has ever made her blush. 

“I bought a few classics in the third one. Othello for one. It’s my favorite Shakespeare play, but no, I’m not quoting any of it right now.” Dani feels her grin get even wider. 

“Does that mean you will later? I’m going to say it does. What else did you get?” 

“Well, since we were talking about Carrie, I got another one of Stephen King’s books. One called Misery. It sounds alright from what it says on the back. Got some others that looked interesting too. To be fair, I did spend a fair bit on getting every Nero Wolfe novel I could find.” Dani could tease her about it, but so far, she’s enjoyed them too. She is curious what the other books are, but to find out, they’d have to move everything around in the trunk. 

During one of Dani’s shifts at the radio she comes across a jazz station playing Billie Holiday’s That Ole Devil Called Love. She gets lost in the music for a moment, but then she realizes that there’s something else there. Turning her head slightly, she can’t help but notice that Jamie is humming along. Given how wide her smile is she’s sure she looks ridiculous but then she feels tears welling up and turns her face away. 

“Poppins? You all right?” Dani shrugs and wipes at her eyes quickly, which is the last thing she should have done if she didn’t want her tears noticed. 

“Yeah, um it’s just, well, my Dad used to love this song, well Billie Holiday in general. Not in reference to my mom, but he had a couple Billie Holiday records. He loved all sorts of jazz. He used to dance me around the room when I was little, which is hard with jazz. That’s one of the most solid memories I have of him.” Jamie makes a face that she can’t read, but then she has to follow it up. “I also didn’t expect to hear you humming along, but it’s… nice.” Jamie gives her a small smile. 

“I have hidden depths Poppins.” Later, they come across a station playing Nina Simone’s Feeling Good and simply let it play. That station turns to static and the next one they come across is playing The Politics of Dancing by Re-Flex and the abrupt change has them both giggling. 

* * *

They visit the Cleveland Museum of Natural History. Neither of them can find anything objectionable with fossils or planetarium exhibits. Well, that’s until they reach the Balto display, which disturbs them both a little. 

“So, let me get this straight. This dog traveled 647 miles bringing medicine to save people’s lives so, you all stuffed him and stuck him in this museum. This hero dog.” 

“It doesn’t exactly seem respectful does it? Well, you should know by now that when it comes to commemorating things we’re more into statues and plaques. I think they have a statue of Balto in Alaska” answers Dani with a shrug. This becomes another reason they can’t do many historic museums. The Cleveland Museum is a one off, but the more they see together the more Jamie is able to mock and Dani can’t exactly fault her logic even if it does come out as just teasing. 

When they don’t make it to a place to stay at night or need to break for a nap, they stay at rest stops. They usually have bathrooms and their cooler is stocked so it's not a problem. It’s something Jamie’s not worried about doing, but Dani has them sleep near the front of the building just to be safe. Near the lights but not so close that other people can see them when they go by. And it feels safe until she’s wrapped around Jamie under three blankets. 

“You know Poppins, this is how horror movies tend to start. I mean that’s what that film Friday the 13th is about right?” Jamie can’t see Dani’s face but she’s willing to bet good money that Dani has her nose scrunched up and there’s that not quite frown there when she tries to figure out what to say. Dani smacks her arm, but that only makes her grin wider. 

“Why, _WHY_ , would you say that right now?” 

“Relax Poppins, that was at a cursed summer camp and we’re at a rest stop. The odds of us being involved in something like a slasher movie are—”

“Do _NOT_ finish that sentence!” For a moment Jamie wonders if she should have made the joke at all. Now that she thinks back, the killer in the movie had drowned in the lake and that’s how the whole vengeful killing thing started. That was probably too close to home now. She’s busy trying to think of something to say next when Dani buries her face in her shoulder. It takes a minute for her to realize that Dani’s laughing. “You’re awful sometimes, you know that?” Taking a deep breath, Jamie lets herself relax. 

* * *

When they stay at motels they go with whatever is available and cheapest. That’s also what they tell the person at the front desk when they check in. Sometimes that’s a single, other times a double, but whatever they wind up in, they spend the night curled up together. 

They’re adjusting to the life on the road without too many problems. They figure out places to get food for the night and next morning as well and for when they’re back on the road. They decide what can stay in the car for the night and what they need to bring in the room. It’s when they really settle in that her mind starts to get to her. 

She’s a very different person than the one who left Iowa but anxiety and overthinking has always been a part of who she is. Since the bonfire at the manor she’d been free of Eddie and her guilt. Since she cut off ties with everyone in Iowa, she’s been free of everyone else’s expectations, the only thing she hadn’t managed to shake was the pressure she put on herself, but she was working that. Being with Jamie made everything easier. Jamie kept her from getting too deep in her own head, she can read her and knows her subtle tells without her having to be biting her nail before she’s concerned. The thing is, even though Jamie’s by her side most of the time, the few moments that she isn’t, her mind gets away from her. Right now, Jamie’s in the shower, but that’s enough time to send her mind off reeling. They’d traded off driving like they always do, but Jamie had taken the time to take a nap. That had been fine, the music had occupied her for a while until it became static and then she was looking forward to what the night would bring. Would there be a Chinese take out place nearby, would it be burgers, or would they resort to hitting a grocery and figuring something out from there. 

She can’t pinpoint when, but those nagging thoughts started to get to her again. This time they only had a little to do with the entity inside her. The night she’d spent with Jamie and the day after at the manor were never far from her mind. It was more than just sex to both of them, but it had been so many things for Dani. It had been a night of firsts for her and she’s not just referring to it being her first time with a woman. She’d experienced so many things that night. Just rubbing her thumb across Jamie’s knuckles had given her a warm feeling, so having Jamie’s hands roam over her body that night had set her on fire. Jamie’s lips and tongue doing the same had her moaning in ways that had her so glad that her room was in a wing away from the children and Hannah’s room. 

It had been about more than just the physical aspects of it though. That night, had been about pleasure for them both and that was a first for her. With Eddie, it had been about him, all she did was go through the motions. She’d never felt anything but discomfort with him. Jamie took in her every reaction and had paid them more attention leaving her pleasantly overwhelmed by it all. It was more than she thought she ever could or would feel. 

Dani’s worry was that it was the only time she’d feel that way. She didn’t mean it was the last time they’d have sex, but that it would the only time she would be that free. She was being haunted again, but this time she had invited the entity inside her. It was just another reason she thought this might be too much for Jamie. Now she’s not just Dani Clayton, she has someone else in her too. That night back at the manor she’d finally been able to breathe. She feels safe with Jamie, it was so easy with her, but it was also a very new. She could be open and vulnerable with her. The thought of her going back to feeling numb terrified her. Before going to England, she’d been numb for years and had gotten used to it, but with Jamie she felt so much. She found herself leaning into Jamie’s touch or craving it, but it wasn’t just that. It was the feeling of being understood and not having to hide parts of herself away anymore. She loved being able to do that and couldn’t bear the thought of going back to not feeling anything. That wasn’t her only worry though. 

“What’s going on in that head of yours Poppins?” asks Jamie, pulling Dani from her thoughts. Looking up, she sees that Jamie’s changed into her sleep shirt and is still drying her curls off with a towel. There’s a lot spinning around in her mind but she doesn’t know what Jamie can do about any of it. Her face must say as much because Jamie tosses her towel back towards the bathroom and motions for her to scoot over. Jamie takes in the tenseness in Dani’s shoulders and while Dani’s hair is still damp, it’s clear that she’s been running a hand through it. She’s about to suggest something when Dani starts to talk. 

“I’m a very different person from the one who went to London. My first six months in London I realized I didn’t need anyone else. I could manage on my own. The only thing I wanted was to get a job and move on. Those two things weren’t easy to come by since Eddie was still haunting me and I blew every interview I had. It may surprise you, but you Brits aren’t always the biggest fans of Americans.” Jamie smiles, but has to point out something. 

“You didn’t blow every interview Poppins. Henry gave you the job.” Jamie turns to face Dani when she notices her small wince. “Poppins?” 

“I blew the interview with Henry too. He gave me a second chance after I ran into him in a pub.” 

“You followed Henry to a pub?” 

“No, he just came into the one I was in. I was already back to looking at ads in the paper. Once I saw him take a seat, I went to talk to him and share a drink or two.” 

“Wait, wait, wait. So, you got Henry drunk, which isn’t hard, and he gave you the job?” 

“No! Well, maybe… look, he told me that people’s imaginations kept anyone from taking the job after Rebecca’s death. I talked about how I understood loss and few other things. Then he agreed to give me a trial run for three months.” 

“Okay, fine. But how exactly did you blow the interview? You were good with Flora and Miles on every front and I can only guess that was true when you taught in a classroom.” 

“Well, I had no experience as an au pair and he wondered why someone my age was interested in such a position. I think the real mark against me was when I admitted that I hadn’t mastered tea yet.” 

“Hold on, so knowing you weren’t any good at making tea, you repeatedly offered to make it for us? That’s just cruel Poppins. One of us could have taught you. It probably wouldn’t have helped given the state of your skills, but we could have tried.” Dani rolls her eyes and smiles before going back to being serious. Before she can try to explain again, Jamie takes her hand and gives it an encouraging squeeze. Dani gives her a small sad smile, but Jamie just waits. 

“I just worry things between us won’t be the same as they were that night. That they can’t be and I just… don’t want you getting in this with someone different from the one you met.” Dani watches as Jamie considers what she just said. They really should have had this talk before they boarded the plane, but she’d only been able to process everything over the past few days. It’ll hurt more if Jamie decides to leave now, but she’s not going to push the brunette into staying. 

“Poppins, I want to be here with you. You’re the bravest person I know. You know when I started to think that?” 

“When I was out on the grounds with a fire poker and a flashlight?” Jamie shakes her head and leans back. 

“When you stayed after Miles and Flora locked you in the closet. I hadn’t really met you yet, but I heard about the night the next morning. I usually pop in for a cup of tea and chat a bit with Hannah and Owen before getting back to work. Flora was there asking Hannah if she thought you’d forgive her for locking you in. She quite frantic about it actually. That’s how I found out about it. Flora also sort of… went over what she heard from the other side of the door… that was why she was so frantic, she said you didn’t believe them and was afraid you’d hate them forever. With everything you were dealing with then, staying was a big thing. 

Right now, all you’re dealing with are nightmares. Yeah, I know reading books to you won’t always work no matter how great my books are. That there will still be nights where you retreat off to the bathroom, where the things we try won’t work, where it’ll take more than me holding you and listening to settle you down. We can figure it out. Maybe going for a walk or a run after a nightmare to get rid of the energy. Maybe a drive—” 

“That works with babies.” Jamie raises an eyebrow but Dani just raises one back. “I went into teaching. Are you saying you can’t see me getting started working with kids by babysitting?” Jamie grins before continuing. 

“Anyway, there’s no reason we won’t come up with other ideas. Other than having this lady inside and haunting you, you’re still very much the Dani I know.” 

“The lady inside me is kind of a big thing…” 

“Yeah, but you’re still the bravest and strongest person I know. I don’t see you just giving up. You’ve already battled off one ghost on your own—"

“You played a big part in why I was able to rid myself of Eddie. But this is different. I can’t get rid of her without going back to Bly and letting her have me.” 

"Well, I’m flattered Poppins. I know you’re used to doing things on your own, but you don’t have to anymore. When it comes to the two of us, we kind of did things out of order. We haven't even been on a proper date yet. Since I plan on sticking around for a while yet, we’ll figure out what happens next together.” Dani lets out a large sigh and nods as she squeezes Jamie’s hand and leans her head against Jamie’s shoulder. 

“What else is on your mind?” Dani shakes her head. 

“Nothing really, that was what’s bugging me most.” It partially true and Jamie knows that. There are other things, but nothing that seems as important. Jamie nods and Dani snuggles into her as she reaches for the book. They keep having to go back a bit every night since she keeps reading after Dani drifts off just to be sure she’s fully asleep. Then she might read a bit ahead herself. 

* * *

The next morning, Dani’s looking over the road atlas and they eat breakfast. 

“Where to next?” 

“I was thinking Indianapolis and then Springfield…” Jamie looks up when Dani’s voice drifts off. 

“Poppins?” 

“Um, we can visit the Indianapolis Motor Speedway and see NASCAR. There might be a race going on.” 

“What the hell is NASCAR?” That has Dani looking up sharply. 

“You really can’t say that anywhere outside this room.” Jamie gives her a puzzled look. 

“We’re not even in that state yet!” 

“Yeah, well, NASCAR isn’t really limited to just Indiana. You’re accent makes it obvious you’re not from here, but that won’t be any excuse for not knowing what NASCAR is.” Jamie rolls her eyes. 

“After that?” 

“Springfield, Illinois.” Jamie nods but Dani can sense her looking at her. She looks up from the atlas and reluctantly meets Jamie’s gaze. 

“See, that right there? I have a feeling that’s not about Illinois. What's wrong?” 

“Well, after those two comes Iowa or Missouri…” Jamie doesn't even pause in her eating. 

“Poppins, we can skip Iowa. I’m sure you have enough stories on how boring it is to make me feel like I’ve been there. It’s up to you.” Dani gives her a small smile. 

“Thank you, but I think I need to go back. There are a few things I should take care of there.” Jamie reaches out and takes her hand. 

“Then we’ll go there and handle it together.” Relieved, Dani gives her a grateful smile. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I already have most of the next chapter planned out so it'll be up... soon-ish??? Please comment on things you liked or want to see!


	5. First Encounter Back Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Iowa is the last place Dani wants to go. It's never really been home, but there are things she has to take care of before she can leave it behind for good. While she's there Dani discovers there are a few things worth saving.

“Look, it’s just something that happens. No one can explain why natural disasters happen, they just do, okay?” 

“Maybe, but honestly, we were safer in England. You literally just gave me a list of reasons why to live anywhere but on this continent. Let’s see if I remember them all. Blizzards, earthquakes, forest fires, floods, hurricanes, and tornados. What’s most common in your home state?” 

“Flooding and the occasional tornado.” Jamie makes a face. 

“Is there anywhere in America that doesn’t have something horrible happening at any given moment?” 

“Okay, it’s not any given moment. These things happen during certain seasons. You’re telling me there aren’t any natural disasters in England?” 

“We had a flood ages ago, but that was due to a tidal wave.” 

“How is that not just as serious?” 

“It was a one off. Otherwise England is perfectly safe. Why would you willingly live here?” 

“I was born here.” 

* * *

It turns out, there are many American things that don’t make sense to Jamie and after explaining it, Dani really doesn’t get it either. They arrive at Indianapolis Motor Speedway and while it’s a sport loved by many, and this is an American landmark, Dani understands NASCAR, but doesn’t really get it. There isn’t a race going on, but they get a close look at the track. 

“It’s a loop Poppins. They drive in a loop many times, that’s it. Anyone with a license can do that. In fact, we did that a few times ourselves when we got lost earlier” states Jamie flatly. Dani runs a hand through her hair. 

“It’s not just driving, it’s a race and it involves a bunch of different things. There’s driving skills, engineering skills, car setup and design, racing strategy, and a bunch of things that the driver has to have control over.” Jamie gives her a puzzled look but Dani just shrugs. “Eddie’s brother Carson is a big fan and had to explain it to me a lot.” 

“Because it doesn’t really make sense to you either, does it?” Dani’s doing her best not to show Jamie that she’s right. All she does is roll her eyes, that’s it, but Jamie sees right through it. Dani can’t do anything but watch as Jamie’s face breaks out in a smirk. She gives Jamie’s arm a shove and makes her way back towards the car with Jamie right behind her. 

* * *

They go through Illinois only making a few stops, deciding to go through Chicago instead of Springfield. It makes the trip to Iowa longer, but Dani needs a while to let the fact she’s returning there sink in. While she’s there she’ll probably have at least one run in with someone close to what happened and she isn’t looking forward to it. She’s trying to steel herself up for it. Jamie seems to sense when her mind goes down this path and shows her support in some way. A squeeze of her hand, a kiss to her shoulder, a hand on her thigh. It’s small, but Dani is grateful to be reminded that she won’t be going back alone. 

Chicago is somewhere Dani would like to spend more time, but they only stay a day and a half. Maybe they’ll come back someday. She wants to stall but get to Iowa and be done with it at the same time. While in Chicago she makes sure they go by Wrigley Field. It’d be un American if they didn’t. Jamie has a hard time deciding which is better, the pizza she had in New York or the deep dish pizza she has in Chicago. Dani enjoyed watching all of Jamie’s expressions while she tried to decide. It had taken the gardener all of her own and half of Dani’s portion to make up her mind. 

Their trip hasn't been without hiccups though. When they first crossed into Indiana, Dani accidentally shuts Jamie’s fingers in the back door at a rest stop. Dani quickly got an ice cold can on them and thankfully they weren’t broken. The first aid kit Dani was adamant they buy gets its first use when Dani tapes Jamie’s swollen fingers together. Jamie tells her it isn’t a big deal and that she’s done it to herself before, but Dani has Jamie’s hiss of pain and the yell that she tried to hold in repeating in her head for a while. 

The truck breaks down once they’re just out of a town. Fortunately, it turns out to be something Jamie can fix, but not without the part. There’s a debate about who’s staying at the car and who’s walking the three miles back to the autobody shop. Jamie winds up being the one to go, but gets a ride back from one of the mechanics. Jamie fixes the problem, but has the mechanic look it over just to be sure. They thank the mechanic and take off. 

* * *

When they’re on their way to Ames, Iowa, Dani figures there are things that Jamie should know. She knows that Jamie wouldn’t ever push her for details and she loves her for that, but she still wants to explain. Jamie’s been looking at her out of the corner of her eye out of concern and it’s only then that Dani realizes she’s been wringing her hands. She spends the morning gathering her thoughts and then starts when they stop for lunch. 

Lunch is burgers and fries, something available everywhere, but just like most Americans, something Jamie never gets tired of. She’s been comparing the burgers from various places and is trying to decide her favorite. Dani’s been picking at her food until Jamie reminds her to eat. She’s sipping at her drink when she takes a deep breath and begins. 

“I never thought I could feel this way you know.” 

“With someone like me?” Dani keeps her eyes on her drink but nudges Jamie’s shoulder. She’s so used to Jamie’s teasing that it takes her a minute to realize that Jamie is being serious. That has Dani giving her a hard shove that nearly sends Jamie tumbling off the picnic bench. 

“First of all, you’re amazing. You say you prefer plants to people, but the people you do like you care so much about. Hannah, Owen, the kids, me, you care about all of us probably more than we realize. You looked after everyone in your own way and you’re still looking after me. But I meant with anyone. I didn’t think I could feel like this about anyone. I hadn’t felt anything for so long… I didn’t think I was broken exactly, I just… I knew I didn’t feel the way Eddie did, but I thought I’d never find the person I did feel that way about. Never get a chance to find them. But I did, I found you.” Dani takes a shuddering breath and tries to think of where to start next. “I’d had thoughts and fantasies about women before but I always thought it was wrong.” Jamie immediately takes her hand at that. 

“There’s nothing wrong about how we feel about each other, okay? Feelings are natural, there’s nothing wrong with any of it” says Jamie firmly. Dani smiles and gives her hand a squeeze. 

“I know, but I didn’t mean like that. I meant it felt wrong because that was how I was supposed to feel about Eddie. He loved me so much, even when we were just fifteen and he started having a crush on me, so feeling that way about anyone else felt… unfaithful. Like I wasn’t giving my all to making things work. It wasn’t always that way with Eddie though, he was a sweet boy and my best friend before everything got complicated.” 

They’re back on the road before Dani continues. Eddie wasn’t always the guy he’d been in the end. The one who thought of himself and never considered what she felt. He wasn’t the only one who did that, but coming from him it hurt the most. Still, she feels it’s important that Jamie know he wasn’t always that guy. 

“I met him at school and we became friends there but didn’t find out we lived near each other until later. He was my first real friend. I mean I had others, but none that really stuck around. I’d play games with other kids, but once the games were over we didn’t really talk or hangout. Eddie always stuck by me though. When my dad died Eddie went with me to the funeral even though he’d only seen him once or twice and done nothing more than say hi. Eddie and his whole family were there for me. For a while after the funeral Judy, Eddie’s mom, made us meals since everything was so hard after dad was gone. It was especially hard since my mom became a heavy drinker then. She’d always been a drinker, but she preferred to call herself as a social drinker before. Life at home just rotated between her drinking, sleeping, and her yelling, so I headed to Eddie’s house as often as I could. Judy treated me like I was part of their family. 

Eddie and I used to do all sorts of things. Imaginary games that didn’t feel silly because we shared them together. Trying to figure things out on our own like climbing trees and riding bikes. Monkey bars and math. Judy made me lunches after Eddie told her he was sharing his because my mom forgot to pack mine. The only real meal I had to worry about was breakfast, but cereal and milk isn’t exactly rocket science. I’d make meals for my mom and leave them in the fridge. 

Judy taught me things too like how to cook. I went to Judy with most of my problems and questions. Then there was Carson, Eddie’s brother. Carson treated me like a sister. Sometimes I felt like I was imposing or being a burden to the O’Mara’s but none of them ever made me feel that way. Because we were such great friends first, it took someone else telling me to find out that Eddie had a crush on me. I had already been noticing other girls at that point, so I didn’t think about it a lot. Eddie hadn’t said anything, so I figured we were still just hanging out. The same thing happened with dating. It took Judy asking how our date went for it to hit me. We’d been friends for so long that of course we knew what each other liked to do. That’s all I thought it was. 

Maybe I was just stupid about it all. I mean, yeah, I loved him, I still do. He was my first real friend and my best friend for so long. When we were little he was the one I told my secrets and worries to. Even as I tried to push back and create some space between us, he was there for me. My mom wasn’t thrilled about me going into teaching, but Eddie supported me. I don’t know when that stopped. I mean, he’d always been pushy in his own way ever since he decided we were a couple, but I didn’t want to lose my friend, my best friend. It all got so out of hand because I didn’t want to risk losing him or his family.” 

Dani lets out a long sigh and feels a weight off her chest. She's never had someone she could tell all of it to and it's a relief. At least until Jamie doesn’t say anything. It’s about ten minutes before the gardener says anything, but for Dani it feels like forever. She knows that Jamie’s probably just gathering her thoughts, but she comes so close to biting her nails again, which she’d been doing on and off since they crossed into Iowa. 

“I never had a friend like that before and it sounds like he was very special. To be honest, I'm envious of everything you had with them and I can see how that would be hard to let go. I’ve learned a lot of things over the years, but at Bly I got my first experience of what a family was. Hannah and Owen were family, but so were Rebecca and the Wingraves. I loved them all more than anything. I’d been so used to having to fend for myself that I wasn’t really open to letting people in, but Hannah and Owen stuck around anyway. They didn’t push, but they took care of me in their own ways. Owen insisted on feeding me and you know how stupid it would be to turn down such an excellent meal and settle for something small and probably burned at the pub instead. Hannah, well, you know Hannah. She’s so elegant and kind that I felt like an ass saying no to her, especially since at the beginning all she’d want me to do were things like come in and warm up after spending all winter morning outside. Loved those little Wingrave creatures too. You should have seen them before Peter and Rebecca started visiting them as ghosts and taking over. They were just… kids. Adorable, curious, and rambunctious kids. 

Besides finding a family there, I discovered something else. Platonic feelings can be just as intense as romantic ones. You can tell someone you love them and love them with all your heart, but not mean romantically. Platonic love isn’t less than romantic love. They’re both kinds of love and can be intense. I love Owen, I love him so much, but I love him like a brother. I could never love him romantically because I’m not interested in men, but even if I was, he’d have to shave that mustache off.” That gets a laugh out of Dani. It’s a beautiful sound and exactly what she was hoping for. 

“I get that they were all like family to you, but it sounds like Eddie should have been more like a brother instead of a boyfriend. That’s just my opinion though, I could be wrong. I also know that a good family is hard to find. It took me a while to figure out that nothing I did was going to make my own family better. I didn’t really have anyone I called family until I started working at Bly. There were various things that I was afraid I’d lose them to if they found out about them. In the list of things, being gay wasn’t even a big one. There was my time in prison, my life before that, or my time in foster homes. None of it mattered to any of them though, they all loved me anyway.” 

“I loved Eddie like a brother I guess. Maybe if I told him that I was interested in women when I first started noticing them instead of treating my feelings like a secret, none of this would have happened. Maybe if—”

“Poppins, you can’t live in a world of what ifs and maybes. What if I hadn’t been in the hospital being treated for the burn on my shoulder and back with Mikey? Maybe then I could have kept them from separating us. Maybe if I hadn’t been stupid and let a pot boil over in the first place, I could have made things work longer. There are too many maybes to go over and trying to will just make you go crazy. While I was in prison, it took Tamara a long time to convince me that going over things like that wasn’t going to change them. You said that Eddie’s family treated you like one of their own ever since you were a kid. I don’t think that would have changed if you hadn’t dated Eddie. At least, it doesn’t sound like it.” 

They drive in a comfortable silence while Dani considers what Jamie said. Jamie can’t help but notice that earlier Dani’s whole body had been tense and she’d been biting her nails. Now, Dani seems to be able to breathe again and her body is relaxed. Exhaling deeply, Jamie figures she must have said something right. Before this, she hadn’t known much about Eddie other than the fact that everything about his romantic feelings for the au pair made Dani miserable and the whole haunting Dani thing. She’s relieved that she hadn’t offended Dani somehow. 

Dani had pointed out the small town she was from at their last rest stop, so Jamie’s able to get them there without bothering Dani while she thinks. Jamie parks them at a motel and waits. It’s a moment or two before Dani realizes they’re stopped but then she turns to see Jamie gripping the steering wheel nervously. 

“I wasn’t sure if you wanted to stay here or at your home—” 

“This place isn’t home. Nothing here is. Bly felt more like home than this place ever did.” 

“So… what’s home now?” Jamie knows what she now calls home, but it feels too soon to say. Dani shrugs but reaches for her hand even though her gaze stays looking out the window. 

“Honestly? Wherever you are. With you, I can be me, who I really am and I don’t think I could ever do that here even if I had been honest with Eddie. My mom is at the top of the list of people I could never be myself around. The rest of the town is eager to gossip and judge and that was something I’d always been afraid of. Being with Eddie? That was something everybody thought was perfect.” 

“And now?” Jamie’s doing her best to keep her nerves to herself. Dani smiles and turns to face her while she squeezes her hand. 

“Now I’m too happy to care what anyone else thinks. As far as I’m concerned, home is wherever I am with you. The physical homes could always be better though…” Jamie has the beginnings of a puzzled expression on her face, but Dani’s smile just gets wider. “One of these times we’re going to stay at a good hotel and call that home for the night. All the motel rooms are the same, like scarily similar in an almost creepy way. I know this whole thing is an adventure, but the next time we’re in a big city, home can be somewhere with room service for a night or two.” It takes Jamie a minute to process the fact that Dani feels the same way she does. She gives Dani a wide smile and then thinks of something. 

“We could—” Dani cuts her off. 

“The nearest hotel with room service is probably a ridiculous ways away. Plus, I wouldn’t want to leave the comfy bed for at least a day. I could see us having a great time there without having to leave since food would be delivered to the room.” Dani knew what she was thinking about but enjoyed seeing the desire in Jamie's eyes and the heat rising on her face. She squeezes Jamie’s thigh and opens her door. “For now, let’s go and stay in another motel room and unpack.” She hears Jamie groan in aggravation while she makes her way to the trunk. 

* * *

The next morning has Dani waking up early. She’s curled around Jamie and doesn’t want to get up. So far, they hadn’t run into anyone she knows but that’s only because their cooler was stocked and the kid behind the front desk was too young to know her very well. The way things were in this town, he might knew her name just not her face. 

“Hey you, you’re thinking too loud and too much” murmurs Jamie into her pillow. Dani smiles against the skin of Jamie’s shoulder. She’s so happy she has Jamie with her. She’s worrying what she’ll say to people. At some point, they bound to run into someone she knows, someone who wants to have some gossip to spread, that part can’t be helped. The first question will be how has she been and this time she can honestly answer good with a real smile. While her time at Bly had come to an unpleasant end, she's still with Jamie and that made everything okay. She’d been honest before with Jamie, she doesn’t care what anyone here thinks, or anywhere really, but she doesn’t want to make things difficult for the gardener. Jamie groans as she turns around to face her. 

“What’s spinning around in there?” 

“I don’t know how to introduce you to people.” 

“Well, what would you be comfortable with saying?” 

“Well, around most people I could just say friend, but if we run into Judy or god forbid my mom, I’d like to call you my girlfriend if that’s okay?” Jamie gives her a wide smile that has Dani breathing easy again. 

“I have no problem with that.” Dani smiles back but then it falters. 

“If we do run into my mom… I just want to warn you that it could get very ugly very fast if I introduce you that way. Well, probably no matter what I say.” Jamie props herself up on an elbow. 

“I’m guessing that she’s slightly less evil than a witch who drinks. I have a pretty thick skin Poppins, but if it’s going to make things worse for you, you don’t have to. I’m also your friend and don’t have a problem with you calling me that.” 

“No. I mean, I know, but I want to be honest with her. Her opinion used to matter to me, but now I know that my own happiness has to come first, not hers.” 

She directs Jamie street by street to the house Eddie bought for them. As they drive, she can feel her chest get tight and she digs the house keys into her palm. She knows she’s a lot calmer with Jamie by her side, but getting closer to her past has her stomach churning. When they pull up to the small blue house, Jamie shuts the truck off and looks around. Dani feels a smile spread on her face. They aren’t even out of the truck yet, but Jamie’s evaluating the small grass yard and hedges. It's a little bit of normalcy. 

Looking around, the house isn’t great, it never had been, but it was away from both of their parents. Compared to the neighboring houses, it looks so small it’s nearly claustrophobic. There’s a patchy driveway, white door, window trim, and shutters, and light blue steps. The houses on either side each have another story to them. It’s not much to look at, but Eddie had wanted to buy a house rather than an apartment, probably to show that he was successful. That hadn’t mattered to her, she just wanted to be happy. Yes, Eddie had a high paying job, but Dani honestly couldn’t tell if he was happy. When she’d asked, he said all he needed was her and he was. When he said it, it made her feel like a possession and it would get worse when he suggested that she quit her job that she didn’t need to work anymore. What was she supposed to do? Putter around cleaning and making meals in the smallest house ever? It felt like a cage rather than a sort of freedom. 

When Jamie squeezes her hand, Dani pulls herself from her thoughts and attempts a smile that comes out more like a grimace. They’d rearranged things in the trunk back at the motel so they could load the few things she wanted to keep. There’s room in the trunk it’s just a matter of making sure that things don’t fall over or slide around. 

Inside the small house things smell a bit musty. Jamie stays a few steps back and shoves her hands into her pockets. She’s curious about Dani’s life before Bly, wants to look at the photos on the mantle, wants to know what Eddie looked like, wants to know what Dani looked like when she was younger. She knows that Dani hadn’t felt comfortable here, and the confining feeling the place has makes it easy to see. Jamie can’t imagine two people living in here without bumping into each other constantly. There wasn’t much space anywhere. There was a small sitting area and she’d had a bigger table to eat at in her flat over the pub. It all seems cramped rather than cozy but all of her impressions are colored with Dani not liking it here. 

Dani takes Jamie’s hand and slowly leads her around the house. Jamie can’t tell if she’s being given a tour or if Dani’s holding on to remind herself she doesn’t have to stay, that she’s not stuck here. Jamie keeps looking around, but there’s nothing that says Dani. There are photos of her with Eddie scattered around but nothing that’s just Dani. Taking a better look at one of the photos, she finds that Eddie’s taller than she thought. He’s an average looking guy with a mop of curly black hair and huge round glasses. There’s a bedroom and small bathroom in the back that Dani leads her towards but doesn’t enter. 

It doesn’t look like Dani knows where to start so Jamie leads her to the sofa. She rubs her back as Dani takes a few deep breaths to ward off a panic attack. Dani’s breathing is getting back to normal when the doorbell rings and Dani’s eyes snap to hers. 

“It’s your house Poppins. It’d look a bit weird with me answering the door.” Dani nods and gets up, but Jamie hears her mutter “it’s his house” as she gets up. Bracing herself, Dani opens the door and finds Judy O’Mara on the other side. 

“Danielle!” It’s a name she no longer wants to think about because that was a different person, but Judy says it with such warmth it makes her smile anyway. She’s pulled into a hug and it's warm too. Judy O’Mara is something she’s missed. When Judy pulls back, Dani watches her taking her in before looking over her shoulder. “And who’s your friend?” Dani turns around to see Jamie standing back near the sofa. Her stance is trying to appear casual but comes across as awkward and nervous. Well, there’s no time like the present. Leading Judy inside, she closes the front door behind her. 

“Judy, this is my girlfriend Jamie.” Dani meets Jamie’s eyes as she says this and gives her a smile, not paying attention to if Judy is looking. 

“You two met in England?” asks Judy as Jamie comes over to shake Judy’s hand. Dani’s trying to think of what to say, mentioning Bly itself seems like too much, but Jamie takes care of it for her. 

“Yeah, we worked together. Well, at the same place. Dani did the hard bit dealing with the gremlins and all that. I just had the grounds to look after.” 

“Yes, she’s very good with children” says Judy, still smiling. There’s no hint of a hidden meaning, no malice or anything like she’s claiming Dani as hers. Judy sounds like she’s just stating a fact and is proud of her. The tenseness in the room is gone immediately. Dani offers Judy a cup of coffee but when Judy says yes, it’s Jamie jumping up to make it. 

“I think we both know the coffee will taste better if I make it. Sorry Poppins.” Judy beams at the nickname, getting the reference immediately. 

“Oh, that’s adorable. Are you going to go back to teaching?” Dani settles further into the chair next to the sofa and thinks for a moment. She hadn’t really thought about it, but with the Lady inside her it doesn’t seem smart. 

“Well, at the moment Jamie and I are on a road trip. We started in New York and made our way here but plan to keep going. I don’t… I don’t think I could come back here and stay.” Jamie’s still in the small kitchen, but she can hear the struggle in Dani’s voice. She’s scrambling to find a way to interject when Judy beats her to it. 

“Oh no, I completely understand. Too much has happened here. So, what do you two plan to do?” Dani hadn’t thought past staying with Jamie really. She hoped they’d figure it out along the way. Still, she wants to be honest with Judy. Other than her feeling about Eddie and how things ended between them, Judy’s the only one here she could ever really be open with. 

“Well, I hadn’t really thought about it. Since I can’t stay here, I figured I’d take a few things and then sell the house? I’m not sure—” 

“Well, I could oversee the sale and then send you the money once you settle somewhere. Anything you don’t want, I might take but the rest I could give to Goodwill or something” suggests Judy. Both Dani and Jamie breathe easier at that. Dani smiles. Judy’s the same as she’s always been, supportive and doing anything she can to help. Jamie comes over with the coffee and both she and Judy get up to take it from her. When they sit back down, Judy moves so that Dani and Jamie can sit together. Dani tells Judy about her time in England and Jamie tells her about her first impressions of Dani. That had been enlightening as well as a bit embarrassing. How can someone be too pretty? She tries not to be too pleased at the fact that she’d caught Jamie’s eye early on too. 

At some point, Dani leans back into Jamie. Judy’s still smiling and genuinely interested in what she’s saying. Behind her, she feels how relaxed Jamie is too. Jamie always comes off that way, but Dani’s getting better at reading her. It the small things like how tight Jamie’s holding her jaw. It’s hard for her to notice these things because she’s usually distracted by how she’d rather be nibbling at Jamie’s jawline rather than looking at it to gauge her stress. Neither she or Jamie are tense at the moment and Dani realizes this is the first time she's ever been comfortable in this house. 

Dani keeps sipping her coffee as Jamie talks to Judy. Judy tells stories about what she’d been like when she was a little girl and Jamie pays rapt attention to every detail. Eddie is mentioned a few times, but Judy only brings him up when she’s talking about various stories when they were kids. They all know that Eddie had been her fiancé, but Judy doesn’t try to compare her relationships or take issue with that fact that she’s with a woman now. It doesn’t seem to matter. They lose track of time, but eventually, Judy has to go. Dani gets pulled into another wonderful hug, but to both of their surprise, Jamie gets a hug too. 

“It was so nice to see you again Danielle. You’re happy and honestly that’s all I’ve ever wanted. You’re not my daughter in law, but you’re always family. Can you write when you finally settle somewhere? I just want to know you’re alright. Jamie, it was a pleasure to meet you. Take care of Danielle alright? She can be too hard on herself sometimes.” 

“Always” assures Jamie with a smile. Dani does her best to hold back her tears. 

“I’ll write, I promise.” Judy nods and waves to Jamie before leaving. Jamie goes to her side and pulls her into a hug just as Dani starts to cry. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was going to be one big chapter but I decided to split it. The next part will be up tomorrow. Please let me know what you think if you can!


	6. Keepsakes and Mothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dani isn't just hidden away in general in Iowa, she's hidden away in the places she's lived too. Karen Clayton makes her opinion known.

When Dani pulls out of Jamie’s arms, she sniffs and wipes at her eyes. 

“We better start going through things. My mom is bound to stop by soon.” Jamie had intended to let Dani handle packing things alone, but Dani tugs her along. In the closet there are boxes and suitcases. She’s going through her clothes and putting them in a suitcase when she catches Jamie smirking at her. 

“What?” 

“Nothing. Just surprised to see that you own clothes in colors other than pink and purple.” Dani gives her a playful glare. 

“When I left for England, I didn’t want to take much so I just took what was comfy but I could also wear at work." 

Dani starts going through things they had been long stored away. She kept various things here because she didn’t want to leave them with her mom. When her mother drank her mood could go anywhere. Among her various mood swings, sometimes she’d get mad at her dad for dying or sometimes it would make her deeply depressed. Her mom had gotten mad at her dad lots of times while she was drunk, but when she was a freshman in high school, her mom had gotten enraged and destroyed her wedding album since he was in the pictures. Not wanting to chance that happening again, Dani had stored her dad’s records and a few photo albums in her room. They were the first things she moved into the house and they’re going along to wherever Dani winds up next. 

She’s going through other things and is about to put her teaching certificate in the box when Jamie swipes it from her hand. 

“Why is this in a box in the back of your closet?” 

“Well, I’m not a teacher anymore.” 

“You were when you were here though. The fact that you aren’t anymore doesn’t matter. You put a lot of effort into this and are an amazing teacher. You went to college to be one and got a diploma proving how much you’d accomplished before even getting a classroom of your own. This should be out and displayed, not hidden in a box.” 

Dani smiles. She’d been so proud of it, but bringing it home to share it had been a mistake. Eddie had said good job, but it had felt demeaning and like something you’d say to a pet. Her mom had never been impressed by anything she’s done. Judy had been proud but that had been overshadowed by why she'd want a job when Eddie could take care of her. She was a teacher, but all everyone cared about was when she and Eddie were getting married. That’s all that mattered, so her accomplishment had been stuffed into a box and stored away. 

“We are hanging that wherever we end up.” Dani’s smile widens at the thought of Jamie staying even after their trip. Jamie looks like she’s embarrassed, a blush creeping up her neck, like she hadn’t meant to say that out loud. Maybe Jamie thought she was putting pressure on her or inserting herself into her future, but Dani couldn’t be happier. 

* * *

They’ve gone through half of the house, but it’s taking its toll on Dani. Jamie follows a few steps behind while Dani splashes her face with cold water in the bathroom. Dani’s staring at herself in the mirror. Something occurs to Jamie and she’s just about to mention it when Dani seems to read her mind. 

“Don’t worry, my eyes are the last thing my mom will notice. She might have a few comments about my appearance, but she won’t notice something like my eyes.” Dani’s worried gaze meets hers in the mirror and it takes Jamie a minute figure out what Dani’s asking. 

“I’m attracted to more than just your eyes Poppins. I like all of you and not just your body. All of you, every bit of you, matters to me.” 

“I won’t always be me. That’s what the brown eye means.” 

“I plan on being here for as long as you want me and helping you stay the Dani Clayton you are. The bravest, kindest, and most selfless person I know, and I thought all that before the Lady was inside you.” Jamie’s not just saying this to make Dani feel better, she means every word. She'd sort of revealed what she was hoping earlier, that their adventure together wouldn’t end when the road trip was done. There was nothing for her back in England anymore, so she could settle anywhere, but maybe she was looking too far ahead. She’s brought out of her thoughts at the sight of Dani smiling back at her in the mirror. 

* * *

Unsurprisingly, the only other thing that really says Dani in the house is stored away as well, but at least in a place they were likely to be used. 

“We’re taking these” Jamie says as she takes the empty box Dani is holding. 

“Jamie…” 

“Nope. They’re coming along Poppins.” Dani had collected everything she’d wanted from the house, photos and a few mementos, but Jamie insisted she check everything just to be sure. Now, Jamie was going through the cupboard above the counter and pulling out mug after mug. 

“Jamie, I don’t… we don’t have to take them.” Jamie gives her a pointed look over her shoulder. 

“How many times have you told me how quickly spread in this small town? Most of these mugs say World’s Greatest Teacher on them. That means they can obviously be traced back to you. I know you don’t plan on coming back here, but is that really the thing you want people to remember you for?” 

“I think they’ll remember me for what happened before I left” says Dani, but once again, there’s a smile creeping on her face. 

“Pshh. That’ll pass. It’s only been what, less than a year? Losing their best teacher is something that’ll take time to sink in and it’ll hit them hard, just you watch. But the last thing you want to do is reject that title before they acknowledge it by leaving these here. Then there’s the fact that I need something to drink my tea from while we’re on the road—” 

“You’ve been using those paper and styrofoam cups—” 

“That make my tea cold because the heat seeps out the sides and burns my hands. A mug is perfect.” Dani sighs. 

“Then pick just one.” 

“No. Like I said, they’ll be traced back to you, but then there’s the part concerning Flora.” Now Dani is truly puzzled. 

“What does Flora have to do with any of these cups?” 

“They’re mugs Poppins. How do you expect Flora to try and find a better one if she doesn’t know what she’s up against?” Dani sighs. If Flora finds out about these, that’s exactly what the small girl will try and do. Dani’s shaking her head with a smile. Clearly, all the mugs are coming along. 

* * *

They’d just finished boxing up what they were taking, when there’s a knock at the door. Dani trades a look with Jamie. Jamie leans against the sofa as Dani opens the door to reveal Karen Clayton. 

“Danielle!” Jamie tries not to wince. The happy tone may fool some, but Jamie had heard it time and time again. From social workers, from foster families when they introduced themselves, from potential employers when they’d already decided not to hire her. She was very familiar with that tone and didn’t like that the woman who was probably Dani’s mother was using it with Dani. Dani’s pulled into an awkward hug that she isn’t given a chance to return before she’s pushed back. “I’m so glad you’re home!” 

The moment the front door closes, Jamie nearly gets whiplash at how fast the atmosphere and Karen’s mood changes. She remembers Dani telling her that her mother was an alcoholic and can’t help but wonder if the woman is drunk now. 

“I had to find out about you being here from the neighbors Danielle? Do you know how embarrassing that is for me? Did you even plan on stopping by?” Jamie lowers her head and stares at her shoes as she raises her eyebrows in disbelief. Looks like Karen Clayton was diving right in. Looking up, she finds the woman giving her a quick look of annoyance over her shoulder before turning back towards Dani. 

With that one glance, Karen Clayton has made it clear that Jamie’s presence isn’t wanted, but Dani’s eyes dart towards hers so she doesn’t plan on leaving unless Dani asks her to. She can offer support without eavesdropping, so she tunes out what’s being said but looks over at Dani every so often. Hearing Karen tell Dani she looks skinny and asking if she’s eating enough has a snort coming out before Jamie’s able to stop it. Every time they eat somewhere, Dani winds up stealing something of hers after she’s finished her own. It can be onion rings or half of her carton of lo mein. Dani is fit and eating just fine. She doesn’t miss the glare Karen shoots her, but her focus is the small smile on Dani’s face. The minute Karen turns back towards Dani it’s gone, and that has Jamie frowning. 

Tuning out again, she thinks about the house and how everything that says anything about Dani is hidden away. From what Dani’s told her, her life here has always been that way, hidden from people she should be able to trust. She catches a few words, like how Dani has been gone for eight months but cut off contact with anyone here for the last two. Then comes judgement about Dani’s job. How she’d left to look after some stranger’s children. It’s been a while since Jamie’s been a classroom, but if she remembers right, every kid in a classroom is some stranger’s kid. Dani had been a teacher here for nine years, so why was looking after two siblings be such an awful thing? At least Dani got to know all about Miles and Flora. In your typical classroom she’d be flying blind with each kid. Dani had done more for the Wingrave kids than anyone had before and that was before the night at the lake. 

No matter what Dani says, it seems to be wrong. Jamie watches as Dani seems to shrink in front of Karen. She’s digging her nails into her palms like she used to when she first arrived at Bly and is trying to control her breathing. She’s not sure how to insert herself, but Dani needs a minute to regroup and Karen isn’t letting up. 

“And then you bring this stranger back with you?” Dani squares her shoulders and cuts her mom off. 

“She’s not a stranger. This is Jamie, my girlfriend.” That shuts Karen up for a moment. Karen turns slowly towards her and then looks her up and down, making her disgust clear. Jamie’s never dressed to impress, she focuses more on comfort, but at least she’s not in her coveralls and covered in dirt. Still, Jamie extends her hand. 

“Jamie. I worked with your daughter at the manor.” Karen looks at her hand like it’s personally offended her, so she pulls it back. 

“So she’s a foreigner and another teacher” says Karen, making her skepticism clear along with what she thinks of teaching. 

“No, I was the gardener—” That doesn’t win her any points but it’s not wrong. At least she doesn’t think it is until Dani interjects. 

“The _gardener_?” Karen seems absolutely horrified. 

“Jamie was the gardener, landscape designer, and groundskeeper of an enormous place. You should have seen her roses—” 

“She is _not_ your girlfriend. You don’t _have_ a girlfriend. You were going to marry Edmund. You loved him and were perfect together.” The way she says it leaves no room for debate, but Dani counters and uses the tone she reserved for Flora and Miles when they were acting out. 

“Jamie is my girlfriend and she makes me happy. Eddie and I were never… I could never marry him. I never loved him like that. He never made me happy like Jamie does and he deserved someone who loved him like a wife should.” Dani had told her about how everyone had been so invested in the two of them being a perfect couple and with the way Karen was bearing down on Dani, it looked like the woman hadn’t let that go. 

“Danielle, I know you’re a widow now—” 

“I’m not a widow, we weren’t married.” 

“—but that’s no reason to resort to this. The is another man out there that you can make happy!” 

“No man is going to make me happy! I don’t want a man! I’m gay and I’m happier than I ever was here.” Karen rounds on her so fast that Jamie’s surprised she didn’t get dizzy. 

“And what about you?” Jamie shrugs.

“I’ve always been gay.” It’s clearly not what Karen meant and the wrong thing to say, but Jamie doesn’t care. It’s worth it for the bark of laughter that Dani can’t hold back. Karen just narrows her eyes at her. 

“How can you possibly provide for my daughter as a gardener? How’s someone who digs around in the dirt supposed to make her happy? How can either of you last long as a gardener and a teacher?” Jamie raises an eyebrow at the woman. 

“Well, we were both paid for our work in England and have some savings besides. We were also given a generous severance.” Apparently, that was also the wrong thing to say since now she’s whipping around towards Dani again. 

“You’ve discussed your _finances_ with her?” Jamie fights off another eye roll but Dani doesn’t. That seems to make Karen incensed. Jamie wonders if Dani’s ever had that response in front of mother before. 

“We’re on a road trip across America together. It’d be idiotic for us not to. We bought a truck together, stay in motels toge—” Karen puts up a hand to silence her. 

“I don’t need all the disgusting details. What do you even know about this woman? This Jamie… Jamie…” Dani looks lost for a moment before looking over her mother’s shoulder at Jamie. “ _You don’t even know her last name?_ ” 

“I know the important things and we’re discovering the rest together.” 

“It’s Taylor by the way. Jamie Taylor” adds Jamie and then Karen is facing her again. Seriously, how is this woman not falling over?

“And you! Did Danielle tell you about Edmund, her fiancé and the love of her life?” Karen’s voice is shrill now. 

“Dani told me—” 

“My daughter’s name is _Danielle_ not Dani.” 

“She introduced herself as Dani Clayton in England and that’s what I know her as.” That has Karen scowling at Dani so Jamie continues and puts the focus back on her. “Yes, she told me about her fiancé, but she also told me how he and no one else here listened when she repeatedly refused his previous proposals. As her mother I would think you’d want her to be happy rather than in a loveless marriage.” That gets her an absolute death glare, but behind her Dani looks grateful. For the focus being off her or for not letting Karen intimidate her, Jamie can’t tell. 

“They were in love. They had been since they were children. I know all about loveless marriages and what they had was real” growls Karen, but Jamie doesn’t care. Her attention is on Dani who looks stricken by what her mother just said. Jamie keeps the focus on her to give Dani a chance to gather herself. She really doesn’t care what Karen Clayton thinks and has no problem with the woman hating her. 

“I trust what Dani tells me about her feelings, not anyone else. That’s why I believe her when she says she’s happy with me. Frankly, I still can’t believe it, but I trust her. I don’t see why no one else does.” 

“Well, according to her, she’s been lying for years about how happy she was with Edmund, so why would we” sneers Karen. 

“I think she tried to tell Eddie, tried to tell you, tried to tell everyone but gave up when nothing changed.” 

“ _You_ don’t get to call him Eddie as if you knew him. Especially after seducing my daughter and making her think she’s something she isn’t.” In the back of her mind, Jamie wonders if Karen meant gay or happy. Probably both. 

“I think Dani’s the best judge of what she is and if you must know, it’s Dani who did the seducing.” That has two results. It effectively shuts Karen up again, but it also makes Dani blush a dangerous shade of red and Jamie smirks at both. Once Dani gets her face back to a normal looking shade, she gets her mother’s attention again. 

“Look mom, you don’t have to accept me or us. I’m going to come by the house later and pick up a few things from there and then we’ll be gone. What happens after that is up to you. If you want to cut me out of your life, fine. If not, Judy will know how to get in touch.” Jamie nearly covers her ears at the screech that comes out of Karen. 

“ _JUDY_ knows about the two of you? Hasn’t she been hurt enough by losing her son and then you abandoning her? You think she needed to know her son’s been replaced so quickly, so easily, with someone like _this_?” Jamie is honestly wondering if Karen Clayton’s brain is going to explode and if it would count as murder if they didn’t call for paramedics when it did. 

“Judy’s happy for us. She’s only ever wanted me to be happy. She thought I would be with Eddie, but he’s gone now. It would have hurt her when I called off the wedding, but I think she would have eventually understood. Judy cares about me. She’s not my mother in law, but she’s family.” Jamie’s proud of Dani for everything she’s said, but that last bit seems to have pushed her mother over the edge. Karen looks like she’s going to hit Dani and that has Jamie zooming forward. Dani, however, doesn’t flinch. Not getting a reaction out of her daughter seems to shock Karen, so it’s a moment before she realizes that Jamie’s behind her. When she does, she jerks away and heads for the door. 

“I hope you’re happy with what you’ve done to your life.” 

“I am” answers Dani without hesitation as she grabs Jamie’s hand. Karen doesn’t miss it or the way Jamie gives it a gentle squeeze. 

“Don’t expect me to be there when you stop by the house.” Without waiting for a reply, Karen storms out of the house, slamming the door behind her. 

* * *

Dani slumps against her side and Jamie rubs a hand up and down her arm. She’s just about to say something when Dani bolts for the kitchen and is sick in the sink. Jamie holds her hair back as the coffee from earlier comes back up. 

“You okay Poppins?” she asks after Dani rinses out her mouth. 

“So, um, that was my mom. I got used to how she is a long time ago, but I guess being away made me forget and then being hit with it all at once was too much. I’m fine now though. If we’re lucky, that’s the last we’ll ever have to deal with her. I still have Judy, but even if I didn’t, I have you.” Not getting a response, Dani slowly turns to look at Jamie. “Right?” 

“Always. I was just wondering if this is a whole switched at birth thing because there’s no way your related to that woman.” Dani leans against the counter and pulls Jamie into a light kiss. 

The first things loaded into the truck are the photo albums and her dad’s record collection. Dani spends a long time trying to make sure they’re safe, but Jamie doesn't mind. They’re good memories, fond memories, the kind that deserve protection. The rest is loaded and then they visit the house Dani had grown up in. 

It’s bigger than the last house, but looks about just as special. Dani goes for the key that is still hidden in the mulch next to front stair and lets them in. This house feels the same, both confining yet empty and Jamie doesn’t comment on small shiver Dani has when they walk in. Once again, Dani’s pulling her towards what she’s guessing is her room. 

There’s a bedroom in the back with yellow walls. There are bookshelves are packed with things ranging from books to stuffed animals and a couple of photo frames. Jamie puts her attention back on Dani when she sits down on the edge of the bed looking exhausted. 

“You okay?” It's a stupid question, but she doesn't know what else to say. 

“Honestly, being here makes me want a drink, but that’s exactly what my mom is doing right now so that also makes me nauseous. This room is who I used to be I guess…” says Dani as she runs one hand through her hair and gestures vaguely around with the other. “I don’t even know why I came here. There’s nothing that I want to take.” Jamie watches her for a moment before taking a turn around the room. 

The first thing she spots is a scruffy looking stuffed animal by the nightstand next to the bed. It’s had better days, but it’s clearly been well loved. Just like at the first house, there are multiple photos of Dani with Eddie scattered about. Some pinned up over the small desk, others in frames, a bunch sitting in a stack on a shelf. Flipping through the stack, Jamie finds that they’re from over the years. She’s gone through three quarters of the stack and Dani’s wearing a mask in everyone of them. The smile is convincing, but still fake and there’s no light in Dani’s eyes. It’s the same kind of smile Dani gave them when she first started at Bly. 

Along the wall, there are various certificates and ribbons for school accomplishments. More than a few, but Jamie wonders if that had been Dani trying to bury herself away. The number of tattered novels scattered everywhere might be another attempt, but ones that Dani obviously enjoyed. Jamie knows all about burying herself in a book and hoping things are different when you look up. 

Taking another pass around the room, looking past the cheap stuffed animals won at carnivals, the classic novels assigned in English class, happy photos of her with friends, it’s all a show. There might be a few things tucked away in drawers, but she’s not going through them. Anything that actually meant something to Dani had been taken out a long time ago. Picking up the stuffed bear from by the night stand, she walks back over to Dani. 

“Anything other than this guy?” Dani looks up and blinks a few times at the bear in her hand. Gently taking it from her, Dani stares at it for a moment before looking back up at her. Then Dani’s on her feet with her arms around Jamie’s neck pulling her into a tight hug. Jamie sets her hands on Dani’s waist and holds her. Dani pulls back and kisses Jamie softly. That’s all it was supposed to be, a brush of lips, but things get heated and Dani’s licking into Jamie’s mouth and pulling her closer by the shoulders. Jamie lets out a soft moan and that has Dani jerking back. 

“Poppins?” Dani shakes her head clear. 

“Sorry! Sorry. Just… not here. Not in this room or in this house.” Jamie nods and Dani leads her back out the front with the bear in one hand and Jamie’s in the other. 

* * *

Rather than putting the bear in a box, Dani is still holding it when she climbs into the passenger seat. It's only when they're out of town that they stop to get something to eat. This times, they stay in the car to eat. 

"You're pretty incredible you know" says Dani around her sandwich. Jamie raises an eyebrow. 

"Me? You're the one who had to deal with that woman for years." 

"Well, you found the only thing that was real in my old room. I can't believe I left this guy behind. I've had him forever." 

Jamie stays quiet. She knows that Dani had moved her important things out of that house before, but the only things she'd seen were photo albums that probably had pictures of her younger years. Other than the stuffed animal, photos, and records, she hadn't noticed any sort of childhood memories getting packed. Most things had been from later in Dani's life. Jamie gives her head a mental shake. Who is she to know about childhood mementos and memories? She didn't have any of her own either. No photos, books, or toys, just a lot of unpleasant memories. 

Noticing the current mood between them, Jamie shifts the conversation. 

"So how far do you think it'll be until we come across a hotel with room service?" Dani smiles and shrugs. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment if you can! 
> 
> I might take a break from this story for a few days to work on my other stories that I've been neglecting since my love for Dani/Jamie started. I don't see it lasting long though. I already know where this is going next so don't worry!


End file.
